Random Adventures with FF7 Cast and Shoopuf Dude!
by Raine-Weather
Summary: UPDATED! The Trial of the Century has begun! Cid Highwind is being prosecuted for the murder of Barret Wallace! Jim Adler and Hatsuharu FACE OFF! Oh, the HUMANITY!
1. Everyone Gets Split Up Into Groups!

RANDOM ADVENTURES WITH SHOOPUF DUDE!

This time with the Final Fantasy VII CAST! AND SHOOPUF DUDE!

One day, Hayley got really bored and tired of writing her very serious and boring novel. She wanted to keep writing the novel, but she also needed something to stupid to write about. So she decided she would go ahead and write a really stupid and crappy piece of dung… BUT MOCK PEOPLE BY USING COPYWRIGHTED CHARACTERS! And so, that, as that crazy dude from FF10 says, is that.

Random Adventures with the Final Fantasy VII Cast and Shoopuf Dude!

Chapter… 0

EVERYONE GETS SPLIT UP INTO CONVIENENT BITE-SIZED GROUPS!

Well, one day the final fantasy seven cast and Shoopuf dude were having fun just cruising around in their airship like stupid people that think flying around the world in an airship is fun. They didn't really know where they were going or what they were supposed to do, since Hayley had stopped the game RIGHT AT DISK 3 after getting the Knights of the Round Summon and all their ultimate weapons. In fact, Hayley had went so far as to act like they were going to go beat Sephiroth by flying RIGHT next to the Northern Crater, and then going, " I don't feel like saving the world. OH WELL!" And then switched off the game.

" But… Sephiroth! Holy! Aeris's prayer!" Cloud shouted.

" Feh." Said Hayley. And she disappeared in a flash of smoke, and flew off to frolic with the Puchuus and then some.

" How could she just leave us right before we were going to beat Sephiroth?!" Cloud shrieked, beginning to have ANOTHER mental breakdown. He started squirming around on the ground, moaning and then his little Dragon Ball Z looking child self starting screaming at him transparently. Everyone else was used to this, so they just ignored him.

" Couldn't we just go and beat Sephiroth by ourselves?" RedXIII asked, since he's smart.

" NO! I… I wouldn't know which materia to use! I JUST COULDN'T DO IT!" The pilot said, and then broke down crying.

" You don't even use materia!" Tifa shouted.

" IMPOSHIBIBBLE!" Shoopuf Dude added, and everyone shared a hearty laugh.

" I guess we should just waste some time until Hayley gets back." Said Barret.

" Doing WHAT?" Cait Sith wanted to know.

" I wanna go get more materia!" Yuffie whined.

" I wanna be with Cloud! ALONE!" Tifa exclaimed.

" I wanna visit Marlene." Barret said. Well, you all saw THAT one coming.

" I wanna fly around in my airship!" Cid barked.

" I wanna do my crazy dance with the jazz music…" Cait Sith added, but was ignored.

" I would visit my grandpa if Hayley hadn't killed him by getting my last weapon." RedXIII grumbled.

" Hey, your grandpa was kind of freaky. He could fly and he didn't even have any wings…" Yuffie said uneasily.

" He had an invisible jet pack." RedXIII let her know with dignity.

Yuffie coughed. " Oh. I see."

" I WANNA EAT COCO PUFFS!" Vincent screamed. Okay, okay, Vincent probably wouldn't ever eat coco puffs. I don't think they even had coco puffs in the Final Fantasy world. But, I mean, what else could he do? All he does anyway is sleep in a coffin and make cryptic remarks. But still, I feel bad about making Vincent want to eat coco puffs. Vincent's cool, and maybe a vampire.

" I want to kill Hojo!" Vincent declared much more coolly. Hayley had recruited him in Disk 3, and for some reason all the characters had lied to him by saying that, ' We might have to defeat Hojo someday too.' Why did they lie to him, knowing they had just beat Hojo one mere disk ago?

Cloud recovered from his bout of schizophrenia and coughed. " Well, I suppose it wouldn't be that bad. It's what… it's what Aeris would have wanted!" He sobbed, and they all nodded just because then he would let them do what they wanted to do which was… what they wanted to do.

" Well then, I'm off to Kalm." Barret said.

" I'm going to Wutai." Yuffie remarked.

" I want to visit my statue- I mean, my father." Said RedXIII.

" I will go and search for Hojo." Vincent said, and everyone looked at each other awkwardly. Ah, poor Vincent. Poor, poor deluded Vincent.

" Hey-hey!" Cait Sith said, looking and sounding just like Krusty the Clown for a second. He then shook his head sadly, and they heard Reeve mutter, " Aw, screw it." Cait Sith then turned off.

" I'll go wherever you will go, Cloud." Tifa whispered, as that song began to play in the background right when she said the lyrics.

" Alright!" Cloud exclaimed but you know the whole time he was thinking, _Aeris, Aeris, Aeris, Banana, Aeris._

" Well then all you crazy hooligans get off my %*%*$* ship so I can be ALONE!" Cid yelled at them. " And you too, crazy flight attendants!"

" YAY!" shouted those guys. " We haven't been off this airship in nine years!"

" Well, time to get going!" Cid exclaimed, commanding they just jump off the airship RIGHT THEN! No, he flew them all just outside of Midgar, because Barret had wanted to go to Kalm, and Barret is the first party member you get in the game. TOO BAD EVERYBODY ELSE!

" Now we all have to go in pairs of two!" Cloud said like your dad would if you were all wanting to go swimming in the dangerous ocean.

" Why? We're all adults here." Vincent argued. He didn't WANT ANYONE interfering with his quest for the non-existent Hojo.

" Because it's easier to split up into FOUR sub-plots than eight." Cloud reasoned very smartly. Little did they all know I was using Cloud as… A PUPPET for my own reasons.

**" **I'm with Cloud!" Tifa shouted, grabbing onto Cloud like a leech. But no one argued with her because no one really wanted to be with Cloud.

" Barret, you go with RedXIII." Cloud commanded going all commando.

" But we're going two different places!" Barret argued, but they had already been tossed off the airship.

" Cid, you take Cait Sith who appears to be… OH MY GOD! Cait Sith is dead!" Cloud screamed, pointing dramatically to the turned off Cait Sith.

" No, he's been turned off." RedXIII informed him.

" Oh," said Cloud. " Vincent and Yuffie, you go together because you're both side quest characters!" He then laughed, as if only he could have been smart enough to figure that out.

" What? This girl will only interfere with my quest to find Hojo!" Vincent snarled, looking disgusted with that stupid Cloud.

" I don't want to go with Vincent! He's a vampire!" Yuffie whined.

" I AM NOT A VAMPIRE!" Vincent shouted. I'd be pretty angry too if everyone kept calling me a vampire, day after day.

" _NO _vampire would ADMIT he was a vampire." Yuffie argued, with her hands on her hips.

Vincent muttered something incomprehensible, and took a tranquilizer so he wouldn't turn into Jason.

" Well, off you all go!" Cid interjected hurriedly, tossing all of them but the stationary Cait Sith off the Highwind.

" WOW! REAL GRASS!" One of the Highwind dudes screamed from down below. The other three were rolling around and kissing the earth like crazy men.

" Goodbye!" Cid shouted, waving a cheerful goodbye to them.

" _Forever_." He added under his breath. He was never going to see _those _suckers again. Now the sky belonged to Cid Highwind and Cid Highwind alone! He did a crazy flip in the air and almost killed himself.

" Help! I've turned into a fruit bat! Won't you guys find a way to break my wife's spell?" Cid Fabool, formerly known as Oglop Cid squeaked, flapping around the Highwind. He then realized that they had all left, and he was too late to be a main staple in the plot.

***

The Turks were walking along to their theme music, and bobbing their heads every time that snapping sound in the song snapped. They kind of looked like Chocobos. Cool, yakuza Chocobos…

" I can't believe you didn't really die!" Reno exclaimed to Rufus, who was young and hot enough to also bob his head to the Turks.

" Well, why else would I greet my death by doing that thing with my hair instead of running and screaming…unless I knew I wasn't really going to die?" Rufus answered, and did that annoying thing with his occasionally yellow hair.

" Oh… I guess." Reno muttered.

" …" Rude contributed.

" Now, I will find Cloud and make him pay for Miss Pinky's death!" Rufus vowed, raising one shaking fist.

" Miss Pinky? Whose that?" Elena asked, since I didn't have anything else for her to say.

" MY BEST FRIEND! MISS PINKY!" Rufus sobbed, getting really out of character. But then again, he didn't have much of a character to begin with.

" You mean Dark Nation?" Reno asked, kind of putting two and two together. " I thought that dog was a guy."

" No. It was a girl. I'll find you… I'll find you Cloud Strife! I'll find you and kill you!" Rufus shrieked, running off the screen. The Turks watched him go boredly.

" I guess we should still protect the president… that was one of our last orders…" Elena ventured nervously.

" Nah." Said Reno and Rude.

***

" Where ARE they?!" Sephiroth exclaimed at the middle of the Northern Crater. He sighed and got up. 

" I'm going to find them. You wait right here, mom." He told Jenova, who… kind of jiggled. A little.

" Is that okay?" Sephiroth prompted hopefully.

Jenova made a shrugging motion… or it could have been a nod. Maybe a shake. Hell, I don't know, but she moved.

" ALRIGHT!" Sephiroth shouted, and got out his skateboard and his rebellious teenage clothing that he was little too big for but NEVER too old enough for! " I'm FREEEEEE!" He cried, skating down the Northern Crater, and then dying an untimely death.

Jenova brought him back to life with her mystic powers. She wiggled… a little.

" Fine, I'll be more careful…" Sephiroth sighed. He then teleported ( can Sephiroth teleport? I mean THE Sephiroth, and not that illusion one that turns into Tifa at that one part. WELL, I GUESS HE'LL JUST HAVE TO.) to Costa Del Sol and spent the whole day skateboarding.


	2. Barret and RedXIII's Crazy Male Adventur...

Chapter 1

Barret and RedXIII's Crazy Male Adventures!

Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What could POSSIBLY be fun about RedXIII and Barret? I mean, they're both so… BORING!

Well, I suppose it might have been better to have Barret with Yuffie and RedXIII with no one, but that's just not how the story goes, Mister Man. So get over it.

" Look! It's Kalm!" Barret shouted happily, and began running in that weird gorilla way. RedXIII followed resentfully. Cid could have at LEAST dropped him off at Cosmo Canyon. Oh well. At least the music at Kalm was better than Cosmo Canyon's.

" Marlene! Marlene!" Barret screamed, running through Kalm like a wild man, pushing everyone out of the way. But they didn't care. You know why? Because they would just explode later. I think now is the time to introduce the very popular theory called, Hayley's Theory of Explosion. See, if someone, ANYONE just isn't important and isn't going to appear more than once, they simply explode. Just like that. You know those buses that you take just ONCE in your life, and you know that bus driver? He will just simply drive off and explode when the time comes.

So please don't worry about those poor Kalm townsfolk. They'll be exploding soon enough.

" Marlene? Where are you?" Barret called, checking every house in Kalm since he hadn't been smart enough to ask Reeve which house Marlene and Elmyra were living. The townsfolk didn't really mind that he was barging into their house and looking around. They were used to it.

After awhile, it began to occur to Barret that Marlene just plain WASN'T IN THAT OLD TOWN. I'm not kidding! Have YOU ever been to Kalm and been able to find Marlene? I didn't think so.

Poor Barret began to break down in the middle of town and cry like a big baby. RedXIII padded up to him and would have patted him on the back if he had hands or any sort of patting appendages.

" It's alright, Barret. I don't think Marlene would explode." He said, but this only made things worse. It hadn't occurred to Barret that Marlene might explode, and this just made him cry harder. Poor Barret.

" NOTHING could ease my pain now!" Barret sobbed.

" Not even a BUDDY BARN frozen dinner?!" Questioned the Buddy Barn Dude looking to appear in every Random Adventure with Shoopuf Dude story I ever write in my life. 

" NOT EVEN A BUDDY BARN FROZEN DINNER!" Barret confirmed Buddy's worst fears.

" Darn." Said Buddy Barn Frozen Dinner Seller, and snapped his fingers and walked away with his head hung low. He didn't explode, though. He was far too important to do something irresponsible like THAT.

" How will I ever find Marlene in this big wide world with less than thirty places that people actually live in?" Barret asked himself. " Where should I start looking?"

" I would start looking in Cosmo Canyon." RedXIII suggested for his own selfish reasons.

" I know! You're a dog, right?" Barret exclaimed, looking over to RedXIII eagerly.

" I am what you see." RedXIII stated. Even HE didn't REALLY know what he was. For all we know, he could really be a human whose family was cursed to be some weird animal thing that lived a long time and Bugenhagen really WAS his grandfather! I mean, Bugenhagen lived a lot longer than any human I know, so maybe… just MAYBE…

" Okay, you're a dog then." Barret said, deducting from what he saw, which looked and sounded a lot like a dog. He pulled out his wallet, and then showed RedXIII Marlene's spare toothbrush that he kept whenever she needed a spare! It was pink with green bristles. One UGLY toothbrush. " You can pick up Marlene's scent and lead me to her!"

RedXIII looked at Barret like the idiot Barret is in this particular story. Did RedXIII LOOK like Sniffy the Wonder-Sleuth? This was just… insulting! 

" Barret, you and I know that I can't find your adoptive daughter by just sniffing that toothbrush." RedXIII said with as much lenience for Barret as he could muster, which was a lot, since we all know RedXIII is a pretty patient…person…

" To YOU it's just a toothbrush, but to me it's a golden, shiny toothbrush of hope!" Barret argued insistently, and if Final Fantasy 7 were an anime, RedXIII would have gotten a big sweat mark right then and there!

" Oh, alright." RedXIII grumbled, figuring if he just went along with Barret's stupid plan that then he would leave him alone. Barret would leave HIM alone. Or vice-versa. It really doesn't matter.

So RedXIII sniffed the ugly toothbrush, and WHAT DID HE SMELL? Toothpaste. Minty citrus toothpaste. It smelled pretty good, and he took his time enjoying the smell of the minty citrus toothpaste until he began to get a headache.

" Do you smell Marlene?" Barret said, giving RedXIII an uneasy look as he slowly brought the toothbrush away.

" Sure." RedXIII lied.

" REALLY? I never expected that to work! Alright! So follow that scent!" Barret cried, pointing in a random direction. Which happened to be north.

RedXIII began to walk north very slowly, with his head against the ground so he could fool poor old gullible Barret into thinking he was actually following a scent. They walked north until they ran into a wall. Barret knocked the wall down with a summon, it can be any summon you want to imagine, and then they continued north until they were walking RIGHT INTO THE OCEAN! NOOOOO!

RedXIII thought about tricking Barret into walking into the ocean and dying an untimely death, but I don't think RedXIII is that evil, or even evil at all, so he simply sat at the shore and stared into the sea blankly.

" OH NO! MARLENE RAN INTO THE SEA AND DIED!" Barret cried.

I'd like to take this time to apologize for making Barret ridiculously out of character. He's being a twit and he doesn't even talk like a crazy Mr.T look-a-like character would talk. I was going to just have Rufus out of character, but now I've gone and done it with Barret too. So I guess I'll just have Rufus become in character again and Barret will be the only one out of character. I'm just not very good at writing Barret, but then again, most people aren't or you'd see a LOT more Barret fanfics instead of Sephiroth Yaoi ones, now wouldn't you?

" No, she didn't." RedXIII said quickly, turning east. Although he had to think first, Never Eat Soggy Wheat, since he's a… thing… and he didn't have any fingers to direct himself with. " I sense Marlene to… the east."

" Oh. Okay." Said Barret, and began to walk foolishly east, with a really blank expression. Like a cow. I'm really sorry, all you Barret fans. I myself am a Barret fan. If you want to know the truth, the coolest guys to ever come out of Japan are Barret Wallace and Jet Black. I mean, come on, they're both REAL MEN and have an iron arm. Although Barret has a gun, but it doesn't matter.

Well, they walked and they walked and they walked and I bet a lot of interesting things happened to them, but I'm too lazy to write about it. After awhile, they finally reached the NEXT LANDMARK! The Chocobo Farms! And everyone knows that's the _hottest _place for rumours and information, right? So they walked in and went straight to Choco Billy.

" Hello," said Choco Billy. He had his hands full taking care of all the chocobos that had been used to get the golden chocobo and the Knights of the Round materia. " We have all kinds of greens here. Ghysal greens, Rhyven greens, Fried greens, Baked greens…" He was just going on and on like that dude from Forrest Gump.

" I wonder if you would have an easier time finding Marlene with a chocobo." RedXIII remarked, all the while trying to control his natrual instinct to messily devour all the chocobos around them.

" EUREKA!" Barret shouted, " That's it!"

"…Green stew, Green Gumbo, and Fried greens with rice. And that's pretty much all the different kind of greens. Now on nuts…" But just before Choco Billy could get started on nuts, he was rudely interrupted.

" Where's the golden Chocobo Cloud bred in here?" Barret asked.

" Well, I DON'T KNOW." Choco Billy said in a very offended tone. " All I know is that you fill this place up with seven chocobos and you take the golden one and then you never come back to see the other ones! Chocobos get lonely, you know." He added.

" Are you sure YOU'RE not the one getting lonely?" RedXIII asked.

" Don't get smart with me." Choco Billy warned.

" Is it okay if I mate that S Class Black Chocobo with that S Class Dashing Chocobo?" Barret continued, saying all of this very easily as if he said it everyday. Which he didn't, by the way.

" Fine. Just mate away!" Choco Billy shouted, throwing up his hands in disgust and walking away to… wherever he feels like. Does anyone really care? Have you seen any shrines to Choco Billy out there?

" Wait… um… how do you mate them again?" Barret inquired, looking embrassed, as if EVERYONE should now how to get big yellow ostriches to mate.

" You select the two that you want to mate." RedXIII said, having photographic memory and being able to remember the days when Cloud would do it. Just because I say so and because he probably does.

" Okay, done that." Barret said.

" Then you need to select the nut you wish to feed them before mating." RedXIII continued paitently.

This was just a little weird, but Barret nodded. " But with Choco Billy gone, we don't have any nuts. And as far as I know, Choco Billy is the only one to sell nuts in the world!"

" The Chocobo Sage does," RedXIII corrected him, " But unfortunately, we have no means of reaching him."

" Did somebody say they needed nuts?" Said that Buddy Barn guy, who had just opened a Buddy Barn Nut Stand next to where Barret and RedXIII were standing.

" Why, yes!" Barret exclaimed.

" Then this is your lucky day!" Said the Buddy Barn Nut Seller, whipping out a large variety display of nuts. " Pick a nut! Any nut! You get your first one free!"

" Wow!" Barret said, not believing his luck! " Does it matter which one get to make the chocobos give the right offspring?"

" Normally I would say yes, but for the sake of time… NO!" The Buddy Barn Nut Seller said.

So Barret picked a Carob nut since that's the only one I can remember, and fed it to the Chocobos. Then they were forced to just go to sleep instead of maybe going off to have dinner and then waiting awhile. Because they didn't have ANYTHING BETTER TO DO than to wait for the Chocobo to become pregnant and give birth all in one night's time!

Well, in the morning, there new golden chocobo was there! It had already fully matured and everything! How… strange.

" Wark!" Said the Golden Chocobo, and the subtitles- No, I'm just kidding. Subtitles? Barret and everyone else could understand what the Chocobos were saying because they all had a Babel fish in their ear. And if you don't know what a Babel fish is, shame on you! FOR SHAME!

" _Mother! Father!" _Warked the Chocobo.

_" Son!" _Warked his Mother and Father.

But of course, the poor young Chocobo was dragged away from his parents before they could even christen him in the ancient way of the Chocobos and was put to work at an early age.

" Thank you for everything!" Barret cried, and flew away on the Chocobo, never to be seen again in this story because I'm afraid I'm just ruining him for myself.

" Now what am I supposed to do?" RedXIII asked himself outloud. It was a long, long continent away to Cosmo Canyon, and it wasn't like RedXIII's people had a PHS that could magically transport him there.

" I don't know, chum!" Said the Former Buddy Barn Nut Seller, since unforunately, Buddy Barn's Nut Division had just gone bankrupt. He packed his stand into a little hobo bag and went walking off into the sunset. He then whipped out his orcarina and teleported to wherever Buddy Barn Salespeople go.

RedXIII began his long, incredible journey, and that music began to play as he walked through the world alone. It was a good thing Reno and Rude found him as they were cruising around in their Turk Buggy, or who KNOWS what kind of trouble naïve, rebellious young mentally sixteen RedXIII would have gotten into?

" Are you hitchiking?" Reno asked, as they stopped the Turk Buggy (which is a lot cooler than YOUR buggy) in front of RedXIII.

" Not really." RedXIII admitted, who had just been walking along, minding his own buisness. " I don't have thumbs."

" Oh yeah." Reno said stupidly. " Well, uh… you never annoyed me that much. You wanna ride?"

" Alright." RedXIII accepted gratefully, and hopped into the Turk buggy. They only took him as far as Junon, but that's alright. It's not like the Turk buggy is a special buggy that can cross LIGHT BLUE water or anything.

" Where are you guys going?" RedXIII asked Reno and Rude, as they began to pull away from the spot they had dropped him off at.

" We're waiting for our own chapter." Reno said.

" I'm glad mine is almost over." RedXIII admitted. He then bid them farewell, and walked through the ridiculously polluted and poor Junon beach. Eventually, he found Priscilla and Mister Dolphin. Actually, I've decided he only found Mister Dolphin. Priscilla's just annoying.

" Hey Mr.Dolphin, can I have a ride?" RedXIII asked the incredibly cool Mr. Dolphin, who kindly let RedXIII have a ride. RedXIII needed to be careful not to get his tail flame wet though. At least, I think so. Is RedXIII like Charmander? Can someone tell me this if they find out? Because I'd HATE for this story to be non-factual.

Mr. Dolphin managed to get RedXIII to Cosmo Canyon in ten seconds flat because he's that fast and efficent. RedXIII was almost home now! He just needed a few… more… steps… RedXIII developed a large wound in the side and a limp from nowhere, and crawled weakly to the gates of Cosmo Canyon.

" Nanaki! You're back!" That dude at that gate said.

" I am home!" RedXIII shouted, as his injuries dissapeared. He then crawled into the bar, got drunk, and didn't appear again until I decided that he would.


	3. Cloud and Tifa's Not So Romantic Get Awa...

Chapter 2

Cloud and Tifa's Not So Romantic Get Away!

Well, well, well! It seems like Tifa and Cloud are finally going to be alone for a little slap and tickle time! I just may have to change the rating of this story!

… not. Cloud was far too obsessed with Aeris to even pretend to want to have a romantic time with Tifa. Cloud would probably have rather been on a date with Aeris' corpse if given the choice between Aeris' corpse and Tifa! I guess that would make Cloud a crazy, skitsophrenic, NECROPHELIAC!

Well, since Cid threw all the characters off his airship at random times, Cloud and Tifa had landed right at Corel! Boy, were they happy to be at Corel, the most fun place in Final Fantasy 7! They could meet real, live coal diggers! And see bona-fide coal!

Just kidding. They were happy because they could go to the GOLD SAUCER! The RPG equivalent to Las Vegas and Disneyworld COMBINED! They hopped onto the flying station train thingy and were on their way!

" Please enjoy your stay!" The flying station train thingy lady attendent said, before exploding as soon as she left.

" Oh no, Cloud! We don't have the gold pass with us! And we don't have any money for another pass!" Tifa gasped, just realizing it. " I gave the gold pass to Cid!"

" Well, WHY would you do something like that?!" Cloud exclaimed, as if EVERYONE knew better than to give things to Cid.

" Because he was the head of the party while you were gone." Tifa replied, which makes sense, I guess.

" Don't worry, I've got this under control." Cloud said, walking up to that guy at the gate with the Trojan outfit.

" Hey, sir." Said Cloud, trying to sound all cool and smooth.

" Welcome to the Gold Saucer! If you have 5000 gil you can purchase a day pass, but if you have 50000 gil you can purchase a GOLD pass!" The trojan dude said. I bet that's all he's ever said in his whole life.

" What if I don't have ANY money?" Cloud asked slickly.

The trojan dude blinked. " Um… then I guess you can't go in, actually."

" What if I just walk in anyway?" Cloud said, and you could SO tell he was just about to do just that.

" That wouldn't be very nice. That wouldn't be being a good citizen." The trojan dude admitted.

Cloud went ahead and walked through. The trojan dude just kind of watched him sadly. He was wishing that he were a bigger man, a STRONGER man. A man that could crush Cloud's spikey little head in.

" Sorry." Tifa told the trojan dude and followed Cloud in. The trojan dude was about to call security, but it was too late, and he exploded.

" WELCOME, BOY." Said Dio, who had nothing better to do besides wait for Cloud to visit the Gold Saucer. Don't remember who Dio was? Well, if you can remember who Choco Billy was, you should at LEAST remember who Dio was.

" Who are you?" Cloud asked, who has also seemed to forget who Dio was. Tifa had never met Dio.

" WHAT? Dio is offended! Throw them into the prison!" Dio shouted.

" We had to quit doing that, sir, since it was illegal." Said some little guard dude who would explode later.

" Well that's just… PREPOSTEROUS!" Dio exclaimed, and then strutted off.

" Okay… that was weird." Said Cloud.

" Let's go do something FUN, Cloud!" Tifa said, and was just about to drag him off to the round house that provided a romantic view of Gold Saucer, when Cloud had decided that he would go to the arcade instead. So Tifa decided she would follow Cloud because otherwise she would… have nothing to do!

Tifa watched Cloud play Mog House over and over again because it was his favorite game in the whole world. Sometimes Cloud would be evil and not feed the moogle any kupo nuts. Sometimes he would be evil and feed the moogle TOO MANY kupo nuts. I guess it made Cloud feel like a big man, beating up on that poor non-existant moogle!

Tifa could only take so much of Mog House before starting to make that little sighing sound you make when you don't want to make it TOO obvious that you would rather be somewhere else doing something different.

" Hooray! Mag loves Mog!" Cloud exclaimed for the twenty-fith time. The stoned guy that is always watching Mog House sniffed. " It's so…beautiful…"said that guy.

" Cloud, can we go do something else?" Tifa asked.

" …WHY?" Cloud replied incredously, as if he could not comprehend the thought of anyone NOT wanting to watch him play Mog House.

" I'm hungry." Tifa said, which was just one of her many reasons.

Cloud said good-bye to Mog House very sadly, and followed Tifa as she led him to the hidden food court in the Golden Saucer that you can only find after you bring Aeris to life by making her out of all 35 of the 1/35 soldiers but I'm just kidding that's impossible.

" Come back and let me watch Mog House again!" The stoned guy called, since he's too lazy to play it himself. Or maybe he just likes watching other people play it.

At the café, they had tea! And spanish rice and beans! Yum! After that, Tifa dragged Cloud off to the movie square, where Kate and Leopold was playing in a nonstop crappy marathon. All the stupid people in the world that actually thought Kate and Leopold was a good movie had all gathered 'round and were watching it obsessively, crying everytime Leopold was sent back in time.

" Let's go watch that!" Tifa said and dragged Cloud in to watch it enthusiastically. I guess she thought it would be romantic. She was really annoying the whole time, laughing too loud at jokes that weren't funny and crying at the parts that were trying too hard. Cloud was thinking about Aeris the whole gosh darn time!

After Kate and Leopold was over, Tifa decided that the two of them should leave and go to the ROUND square! Oooooh! Tifa took Cloud's hand, and Cloud just sort of let her drag him since his brain had melted because of the stupidness of Kate and Leopold. Then again, he didn't have much of a brain to begin with. Duh.

" I'm sorry, the Round square is closed right now." Said a lady getting ready for post-explosion at the Round square.

" It's ALWAYS closed now. When will the Round Square be open again?" Tifa demanded.

" Next year." The lady answered.

" But by next year everyone will be DEAD since Meteor is going to crash into the Planet!" Tifa said unpaitently, glaring at the lady.

" Oh well." The lady shrugged. Actually, maybe the wouldn't be dead. At one point Barret tells Tifa they have like five days left, and then you spend like… ELEVEN days getting the huge materia and all that. Barret is a LIAR!

At this point, Tifa noticed that Cloud had foolishly wandered off. She panicked and started running around like a mad hen looking for him, but she couldn't find him. Instead she found a dog, and had stupid dramatic monolouge with it. Unfortunately, the dog wasn't feeling like that shojo crap, so it left. And neither did I, so you know what? I left too.


	4. Cid and Reeve Take to The Skies!

Thank you so much, that one friendly reviewer! Now I have the drive to write more of this pointless story that really doesn't mean that much to me!

Chapter 3

Cid and Reeve Take to the Skies!

Cid was having fun cruising around in the Highwind like a crazy airship piloting man. Cait Sith, who was still switched off, wasn't really doing anything. Duh. Anyway, if Cait Sith HAD been awake, he would have discovered that Cid liked to sing to himself when alone.

" Off we goooooooo, into the GREAT BLUE YONDER!!!!" Cid screamed at the top of his longs and threw back his head and closed his eyes as he began to yodel, nearly causing him to crash into a mountain! In fact, he DID crash into a mountain! But luckily, it doesn't affect the Highwind when it crashes into Mountains, Giant Cities, Condors, etc. Cid didn't notice, but he quit singing because he had hit a flat note and he KNEW it.

Cid sniffed, remembering that fateful day five years- I mean seven years ago.

FLASHBACK

Cid put his heart and soul into singing, " Paint with All the Colors of the Wind."

But what did our judges have to say?

Randy: Man, dawg, that kinda sucked.

Paula: Isn't that a Disney song? Points for singing a Disney song, because Disney is so HAPPY! I say yes!

Simon: Nevermind Paula, she's on medication. Cid, that was dreadful. And also, you are a forty year old man. We are looking for a YOUNG American Idol.

END FLASHBACK

" I'll show you Randy! I'll show you Paula! I'll show you Simon! I'LL SHOW YOU ALL!!!!" Cid promised himself, and began cackling like a maniac. He whipped out his cell phone and dialed the Ryan Seacrest show which is the SECOND hottest spot for information other than the Choco Farms.

" We're sorry," said that lady, " But this number cannot be reached because you do not exist."

" DAMMIT!" Cid screeched, and began cursing in his special language that is hard to pronounce. " #&*@*())$^#!"

Cait Sith was still swtiched off. Unfortunately, he will not be returning to the story in concious state since Reeve just so happened to step out for Mcdonalds. Or as they say in those crazy ghetto Mcdonalds commercials, Mickey D's. Actually, since this is Final Fantasy, it's called McMoogles. But what do you care? WHAT DO YOU CARE?!

In his anger, Cid did one of those crazy 360 Degree flips in the air! Because Cid had wisely glued his feet to the floor, he simply remained stationary on the now ceiling as the world went topsy-turvy! But Cait Sith had NOT glued himself to ANYTHING!

So, Cait Sith began to slowly slide towards an open hatch. Slowly…slowly…slowly…

Cid only noticed Cait Sith falling from the sky into the ocean until it was too late. He simply shrugged and said, " No one liked him anyway." He stared down at the tiny bobbing figure of Cait Sith and sniggered. Then he flew around for a couple more hours before realizing that maybe ruling the skies alone was kind of boring. He began to remember all the good times he had had with Cloud and the gang, and now regretted randomly throwing them all off the airship.

" It's okay!" said good Cid, who was that candy corn looking fella from Final Fantasy 6. " You can still find them, somewhere, somehow."

" Aw, fraches-smaches." Said the bad Cid from Final Fantasy 4. Yes, I know he wasn't evil, but he looks like GIMLI! And he also looks like the dwarfs from Chrono Cross, so he spawned the cloning madness of Squaresoft!

" I'm smart!" Said the nerdy Cid from Final Fantasy 5. I'm not too fond of him.

" I want a doughnut!" said the fat Cid from Final Fantasy 8.

" YEEEEE-HAW! Let's go!" said the redneck Cid from Final Fantasy 10.

" I'm still a fruit bat." Said poor Cid Fabool.

" ALL YOU CIDS SHUT UP! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" Cid yelled. Oh my! And I thought Cloud was the only one who had crazy voices in his head. Well… Cloud… and Zidane… Sephiroth… Armand…The Green Goblin…Gollum…

Anyway, Cid turned around, and WHAT DID HE SEE?! Why, all the Cids were standing right there! It was like a Cid convention! COOL!

" How did you guys get here?" Cid Highwind asked in flabbergasted tones.

" By PLANE!" All the Cids except for Fruit Bat Cid exclaimed, even though they had all come by airship. And then Cid saw out of the corner of his eye that following the Highwind was a whole fleet of Final Fantasy airships! Except for the Final Fantasy 9 one.

" I flew!" said Cid the Fruit Bat but he was promptly ignored.

All the Cids hugged each other in a Big Cid Group Hug TM, and laughed and cried and it was really emotional and touching. They then began talking about how tough it was being a Cid, and they told Cid Highwind he was lucky, because he was the only Cid that could be named something other than Cid.

" You could be named… NELLY!" exclaimed nerdy Cid.

" Why would I want to be named  Nelly?" Cid asked.

Nerdy Cid didn't know, and now he was regretting what he had said. He shrugged and kind of shuffled off to the back of the airship.

" WHUT IN TARNATION?!" Redneck Cid screamed just because I really wanted to make him do that. Actually, he screamed it because there was a loud WHUMP! Sound against the Highwind. Everyone quit talking about airships for a second and went very, very quiet.

" Did we just hit something?" Good Cid asked, " Because if we did, we should land and take responsibility."

" LIKE HELL WE WILL!" Screamed bad Cid.

" CIDS! This is the police!" A helicopter squad shouted. " COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!"

" But then we'll die!" Cid Highwind protested.

There was a pause. " THEN LAND FIRST!" The squad dude called.

So they landed, and their airship fleet landed too. Outside, the helicopter squad was waiting, and all the Cids saw what they had crashed into. It was a golden chocobo and what once was our good friend… Barret WALLACE!

" OH MY GOD! I've killed Barret!" All the Cids shouted simnetanouesly. Woo, try saying that five times fast!

" Damn straight," said the Helicopter dude. " And now you're all under arrest."

" YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, COPPER!" Redneck Cid screamed, and began to run away like a fool. Luckily, I hate him, so the helicopter squad dude just shot him. Shot him good and dead. He then led the other Cids away, with their heads hung low.

All except for Cid the fruit bat. He escaped by flapping via very hard. He didn't think he was going to get any help in the land of Final Fantasy 7 after all.

They all left the scene, carrying the carcass of Barret along too. That Buddy Barn guy ran out right when everyone had left and called, " Anyone up for a Buddy Barn Pheonix Down? …anybody?"

But no one answered, so that Buddy Barn guy just sadly walked off with his head hung low. He whipped out his magical ocarina and transported off to wherever Buddy Barn guys go.

Meanwhile, Reeve had gotten back from McMoogles! He had a Big Mog, a Kupo-nut Flurry, some Chocobo nuggets, and some fries on the side! He had also gotten a HAPPY MEAL! WAIII! ( And yes, it was still called Happy Meal, unless you were in Japan, then it would be a HAPPI Mealu!) The Happy Meal came with… a little toy of the creepy owl from Bambi! YOU know the one.

" Ah." Reeve gave a content sigh and sat down at his little computer desk with all his high tech computer equipment and millions of buttons he uses to control Cait Sith. Just kidding. He controlled Cait Sith with a playstation controller and a TV! 

Reeve switched on the power and stared at the TV screen. Suprisingly, all he could see was water! Reeve was able to deduct that SOMEONE had pushed him out of the airship, and into the water. This made him so mad that he actually ripped his goatee off. Then he went to cry because it hurt. Then he went back, and decided he was going to show the rest of the cast a thing or two. A very CRAZY, MURDEROUS thing or two! MWHAHAHA!

Of course, all he did was send them computer viruses because he's such a nerd, and then try in vain to get Cait Sith to float towards a small island. When he finally got sick of it, he turned it off and watched some Fruits Basket. 

…what? If I were depressed, that's what I'D do.

NEXT TIME…

Vincent, Yuffie, and the Search for Hojo!

Will Yuffie be annoying? YES! Will Vincent be able to find the non-existant Hojo? OF COURSE NOT!! HAHA!


	5. Vincent, Yuffie, And The Search for Hojo...

Thank you crazy reviewers, Goth Girlie Girl (ALLITERATION!) Hellfighter (FIERCE!) Matman (DUDE!) and Bluebubbles (BUUUUUUBBLES!!!!)! (That lady from the Oscars comes out of nowhere) You like me… you really like me! (explodes. What? It's not like she's been in any MORE movies.) Your patronage is very much appreciated! HARDY-HAR-HAR!

EXCLAIMER!! I DO own everyone in this story, especially SHOOPUF DUDE! And if Squaresoft doesn't like that, they can SUE! Then I'll cry.

Chapter 4

Vincent, Yuffie, and the Search for Hojo!

Wow! I wonder where Vincent and Yuffie landed when Cid threw them off the airship? Let's a take a look…

THE CACUTAR ISLAND! Right out in the middle of nowhere, covered in nothing but sand, sand, sand and surrounded by nothing but sea, sea, sea! HOORAY!

NOT! That would be really cruel. Instead, they had landed in the icy realm of… ICICLE TOWN! Which may or may not be worse than landing on Cacutar Island. Either way, both of them have a soft surface that will keep our two sidequest friends alive as they come hurtling down!

" ARGH!" Yuffie cried as they sped down towards Icicle Town at 500 miles per hour. Vincent was using his cape as a parachute and was floating slowly to safety. It might have been easier just to turn into Chaos but… OH WELL!

" Look! It's meteor!" Cried some random Icicle Townsfolk, pointing up to the smoldering figure of a faraway falling Yuffie. (ALLITERATION!) All the townsfolk squealed and ran for their lives… into their houses, which was pretty stupid. They should have run for the HILLS!

Yuffie hit the snow hard and was buried twenty feet into the ground. She would have died but luckily… she didn't!

Vincent drifted daintily down (MORE ALLITERATION!) and sort of stood next to the crazy snow cutout of Yuffie's form. He looked down and called, " Yuffie? Are you okay?"

Yuffie used her L33t ninja skillz to get out of that Yuffie-shaped hole and landed RIGHT next to him, and smiled. " Off course!" She exclaimed.

" Darn." Vincent grumbled and went away to brood.

" Hey look… that's not meteor! It would have melted all the snow!" Some crazy townsfolkanian said, and all of the Icicle Town people found the courage to continue with their lives but then sadly exploded. Yuffie realized that her safety buddy was gone and went off to look for him. She found him checking under rocks and looking inside barrels for Hojo.

" Hey, Vincent! Whatcha' doing?" She asked.

" Searching." Vincent mumbled, shaking a tree.

" For what?" Yuffie wanted to know.

" Hojo." Vincent answered, trying not to sound like it was the most OBVIOUS thing in the world, which it was.

" Oh…" Yuffie said nervously, shifting around. SHE knew the truth. She knew Hojo was dead as a doorknob! " Well… I don't think you'll find him there." She pointed out, as Vincent lifted up the lid of a trashcan.

" YOU KNOW NOTHING!" Vincent yelled, and slammed the lid of the trashcan down angrily, then stalked off.

" Vincent, I do know SOME thing! And that's… you can't keep going like this! You can't keep living your life pretending you're something you're not!" Yuffie shouted after him. " You're a vampire and you have certain needs! If you need blood, Vincent then… EAT ME! EAT ME!"

" Here, go play with this." Vincent snapped, and threw a ball of materia at her. Yuffie said WHOOPEE! And batted it around like a cat would a ball of string. Now, with HER out of the way, Vincent could continue with his quest for the non-existant Hojo!

So, Vincent went up to man in the street ( See the Grand List of Roleplaying Game Cliches) and since that guy was the HOTTEST spot for information in Icicle Town, Vincent tapped him on the shoulder.

" AHHHHH! BISHOUNEN!" The guy screamed, freaking out because Vincent is a creepy pretty little girl!

" Have you seen a mad scientist?" Vincent asked him.

" WELL! Day after day, it's the same thing! ' Have you seen a mad scientist, have you seen a man in a black cape, have you seen Big Fish!' WHAT IF I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING?!" The man in the street exclaimed.

" But you're the man in the street!" Vincent reasoned.

" Oh yeah!" The man in the street ran out of the street and stood on a nearby bench. GASP!    " Well now, I'm the man standing on the bench!"

" Have you seen a mad scientist?" Vincent asked him.

Did you think I was just going to exclude Yuffie like I did Barret and Cait Sith? Well of course not! I was only going to ignore her for a bit! After all, it's only a few days after Yuffentines day! ( Does anyone else think Yuffentine sounds like some kind of hick way to say Valentines Day?)

After Yuffie got tired of playing with the materia, looked up, and WHAT DID SHE SEE? Nothing! Nada! Vincent was gone!

You may be asking yourself, why does she care? It's not like she and Vincent are BEST FRIENDS or YUFFENTINES or anything. Well, amigo, the reason Yuffie was upset because Vincent was gone was NOT just because she felt bad that he was searching for someone who was already dead, it was because she was only 16 and couldn't get alcohol or play the lottery!

So, Yuffie began to walk around in search for Vincent for her own selfish needs. She checked all the houses at Icicle Inn except for the one with that kid who lets you 'borrow' that snowboard. I don't think that kid would be very happy to see the thieves who stole his snowboard!

She finally found Vincent curled up inside a cardboard box with the flaps over it. She kicked it gently, and the flaps flung open magically! Vincent stared up at her with a pissed look.

" What are you doing?" She questioned.

" Punishing myself." Vincent answered.

" Get out of that stupid box and buy me a lottery scratch-it game!" Yuffie shouted.

" NEVER! I NEED ANOTHER THREE YEARS IN THE BOX!" Vincent screeched, holding onto to the box for dear life while Yuffie tried to shake him out of it. He finally removed himself from it when Yuffie pointed out that he would never find Hojo stuffed in a cardboard box.

" I just don't know where I can find Hojo." Vincent sighed, sitting down in the snow.

" Did anyone ask for some Mojo?" That Buddy Barn Guy asked, opening a coffee stand up right next to them. Vincent shook his head despondently. Yuffie bought some Mojo.

" My, what pointy shoes you have! I thought you wanted some mojo." That buddy barn guy exclaimed, noticing Vincent's feet.

" HO-JO." Vincent repeated, sounding remarkably like a dork.

" OH, HOOOJO!" That buddy barn guy laughed, slapping his forehead. " I don't know what that is. Oh yeah, this is for you." He added, changing into his Buddy Barn Mailman outfit, handing them a letter, and then walking off. He whipped out his magical ocarina and transported off to wherever it is Buddy Barn Guys go.

" You are required to be present for the hearing of the case of the Cids' murder charge?" Yuffie said, reading it aloud foolishly.

" Why would Cid be called in for a murder case?" Vincent wondered outloud.

Both of them imagined the same thing because that makes less to write.

~Imagination Sequence~

" Can I have some tea?" Cid asked the waitress at the little café I'll call… FIFTH HEAVEN!

" One second, please," said the waitress, busy with another customer.

" I want some tea." Cid repeated stupidly.

" WAIT, SIR." The waitress snapped, annoyed.

" GIMME SOME GODAMM @%*%(! TEAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Cid screamed while blowing Fifth Heaven to pieces and killing everyone around him. Then the authorites came and dragged him away, while he still was screaming about tea.

~End Imagination Sequence~

" I always thought Reeve would be the first." Yuffie said, shaking her head sadly.

" WHY?" Vincent asked, because you have to admit that's… CRAZY!

" I think he secretly hates us all, since we all abuse and neglect him." Yuffie replied.

Vincent decided to ignore Yuffie, and began talking outloud to himself.

 " Now if I were Hojo, where would I be hiding?" He muttered, shuffling around.

" Vincent, I have to tell you something…" Yuffie started but was interrupted by none other than…THE END OF THE CHAPTER!

NEXT TIME…

I'M NOT TELLING! HAH!


	6. Sephiroth and Long, Steamy Days At Costa...

Chapter 5

Sephiroth and Long, Steamy Days at Costa Del Sol!

Hey! Hey! REMEMBER SEPHIROTH? That's right, he was in the first chapter if you read the first chapter. If you didn't read the first chapter, you're one of those lazy people that just reads the updated chapter before deciding you like the story or not, THEN you read the whole thing. Well, if you DID read the first chapter, you'll remember Sephiroth was in it. And you'll remember he was gonna go have some fun without adult supervision with a skateboard and hip clothing!

But this chapter is about Shera.

…just kidding! Who cares about Shera? Let's get on with the Sephiroth chapter.

Well, after Sephiroth teleported to Costa Del Sol from the Northern Crater, he SUPPOSED that he should hunt Cloud and the gang down, but did he do that? No, of course not! He was finally free of mean old Jenova's slimy clutches, and he was going to relive every day he had missed out in his childhood, which meant starting from the day he was born.

So Sephiroth began to walk purposely down the street towards the beach, so he could hang some… 360s? Yes? Help me out here, I don't know any surfing terms.

" GASP! IT'S YOU…!" The man in the street at Costa Del Sol screamed, pointing at Sephiroth for dramatic effect. " THE MAN IN THE BLACK CAPE!"

" I'm not wearing any black cape!" Sephiroth replied indignantly, and it was true! Sephiroth was wearing a white t-shirt (because even if it makes you look fat, you won't take in as much heat!) and cacki pants… WITH SANDALS!

" Oh, sorry, my mistake." The man in the street said, and went back to standing in the street.

As Sephiroth continued on his way, he ran across a group of children who had tied a dog to a lamppost and were now kicking a soccer ball into it's face mercilessly.

" Look at the game Mr. Spikey-Yellow-Head taught us!" One shrieked foolishly, striking the ball as the dog gave a pitiful scream. Sephiroth shook his head sadly, and left the scene. He then began to sing to himself.

" And I think it's kinda funny, think it's kinda sad… uh… dreams had dying, best I ever had… MAD MAD WORLD! OH, YOU MAD MAD WORLD, WHY DO YOU DO SUCH THINGS?! WHY COULDN'T WE AND THE JETSONS LIVE IN PEACE?!" Sephiroth broke down sobbing in the middle of the street, but then found the courage to continue walking to the beach.

At the beach, people were doing… beach things! They were playing volleyball and surfing, tanning and swimming, laughing and exploding, and guess what? They were all nude! Including Sephiroth!

…just kidding. Had you going there for a second, huh? Pervert.

But all the other stuff was true, the surfing and the exploding. Sephiroth couldn't decide what he wanted to do first! He knew he didn't want to explode, but he had never done any of these other things. But since the people that were playing that crazy volleyball game looked so happy, he decided to join in!

" Um… can I play?" Sephiroth asked shyly, gazing at the net longingly.

" NO! THIS IS MY BALL, AND MY NET AND MY BEACH SO I DECIDE WHO CAN PLAY AND WHO CAN'T!" Yelled this angry little man we'll call… Donny.

" Give me the volleyball, Donny." Sephiroth said mysteriously, eyes glowing all creepy-like.

"…no…" Donny said, starting to go into a trance.

" Let me play volleyball and become one with the planet." Sephiroth said.

" No… volley-ball…spike…world championships…" Donny mumbled like a fool, and finally just gave Sephiroth the volleyball. Then Donny wandered off to find a cliff, and when he did, fell off it!

So, if I can remember how to play volleyball from my middle-school days, the teams were all organized, and it was Sephiroth's team to serve! A girl we'll call Bonny was first up! She threw the ball into the air and struck it hard! It went flying over the net and was then sent back by some dude named Tonny! And guess what? IT WAS GOIN' STRAIGHT TOWARDS SEPHY!

Sephiroth just sort of stared crazily at the ball as it came speeding towards him, then caught it like some stupid person who doesn't know how to play volleyball. Or just some stupid person who made a harmless mistake.

" I caught it!" Sephiroth yelled like a fool. He danced around with the ball, and expected everyone to clap and cheer, but of course they didn't. His dancing slowly grounded to a halt, and he stared at all his angry teammates.

" No, STUPID. You're supposed to strike it back over the net!" A girl named Conny told him angrily.

" Oh…" Sephiroth said sadly, and rolled it back over to the other side's server, who was named… Fonny. He struck the ball hard and fast, and once again… it went straight towards Sephiroth! Oh, why does it keep going towards poor Sephy? Little did he knew Dobby the Houself had been tampering with it, because he didn't want Sephiroth going back to Hogwarts.

Sephiroth kept his eye on the ball, and then punched it. Unfortunately, it just crashed into the net in front of him.

" UP." Lonny told Sephiroth sarcastically, making a hand gesture.

" Sorry." Sephiroth said meekly, and rolled it once again back to the other side. Fonny served again and it went towards Sephiroth again! But luckily, by now Sephiroth knew all the basics to hitting a volleyball through the magic of trial and error.

" GET IT SONNY-BOY!" some crazy old man shouted, and OF COURSE Sephiroth thought he meant his truly, so he wound up his fist… and missed! ARGH!

" NOT YOU, ASSHOLE!" The old man screamed, " My son, Sonny!"

Sephiroth looked to see there was indeed a young man standing right next to him, glowering.

Miraculously, eventually they proceeded enough to let Sephiroth have a turn to serve. He threw the ball up into the air foolishly, and then just kinda watched as it went bouncing down, and then rolled on the floor.

" I wasn't ready." He told them. Everyone sighed.

He threw it again… and this time caught it! " Sorry," He said nervously, and everyone groaned.

He threw it again… and this time sort of ran away as it came crashing down to the ground.

" Whew! Thought it was gonna hit me in the head there for a minute!" Sephiroth exclaimed. Everyone screamed in agony and threw him off the volleyball court.

Sephiroth sniffled sadly, and crawled away, once again breaking into song. " Why am I such a mis-fit, I am not just a half-wit… just because my NOSE GLOWS, why don't I fit in?"

Oh, I dunno, Sephy… MAYBE BECAUSE YOU CAN'T PLAY VOLLEYBALL?! But anyway, there was still plenty of other things to do on the beach! What did I say? Volleyball… surfing… tanning… exploding… laughing…

Well, Sephiroth tried laughing by himself for awhile, but that just made him look stupid since he was alone and was laughing at… no one. And he hadn't brought any sun tanning lotion so he couldn't very well do that! So he decided to go surfing… even though he didn't know how!

Good for him that I didn't know how either, so I can't make fun of him like I did with volleyball. So, Sephiroth had all the information downloaded into him on how to surf because Trinity is that nice, and then went surfin' in the…Final Fanta-SAY!

Um… so… yes, he was surfing very nicely along. In fact, he went surfing a little TOO far. In FACT, now he was lost in the middle of the ocean! And his surfboard had spontaneously broken in half. So now poor Sephiroth was gripping the remaining piece of board for dear life! Oh dear, oh dear!

Luckily for him, a giant fish came swimming up. " I will grant you one wish!" The fish said randomly.

" AHHHH! A TALKING FISH!" Sephiroth screamed and blew it up with the Supernova summon. He then began to drift steadily along.

Luckily, he saw a friendly dolphin! MR. DOLPHIN! But Mr. Dolphin was too busy escorting RedXIII at that time, and left Sephiroth in his watery dust.

Sephiroth was beginning to feel very hopeless by now, especially since he was stupid enough not to just teleport away. The rapidly disintegrating surfboard half (yes, it is disintegrating. Why? Me no know!!) was barely the size of his fist now. And so Sephy had to resort to doggy paddling. Like a fool.

Eventually, though, he bumped into a big pink… THING! Why, it was none other than Cait Sith, who had fallen out of the airship in a previous chapter! But you already knew that. Right? RIGHT?! (suspicious look)

Sephiroth climbed on top of the floating blob that is Cait Sith and sat there contently. " I'll just float along on my little pink island!" He exclaimed.

And so they did. Sephiroth decided to name his island Wilson, and held many conversations with it that were deep and personal, but also kind of funny. If it had been a movie, it would have won an Oscar. His one-sided conversations were THAT good. But unfortunately, Gladiator won instead. (fume)

As Sephiroth's chapter became more and more unlikely and made less and less sense, a giant whale named Whamon came floating up! He kindly gave Sephiroth and Wilson a ride to a REAL desert island we'll call… PIKMIN ISLAND! And if you lived in my house, and if you were my little brother who listens to all my crazy ramblings, you would know Pikmin Island is the home of some pretty crazy folks. But you don't, so I'm just gonna have to cut this chapter short. Sephiroth and Wilson (Switched-off Cait Sith) lived sort of happily ever after.

OMAKE! Hayley-san, nani kore wa?

This is a segment that answers some questions you might have. When you review the story, please ask questions and they'll be answered in this segment! But for now, I'LL be asking the questions since almost no one reviews my story. ;_;

Chat: Hayley-san, why is Shoopuf-Dude in the title if he's almost never in the story?

Hayley: GRAWER! BECAUSE I SAY SO! And also because he's the coolest thing since sliced bread!

Chat: What is your favorite anime?

Hayley: I have several! But my top three are Fruits Basket, Cowboy Bebop, and Cardcaptor Sakura!

Chat: What do you like to read?

Hayley: Catcher in the Rye.

Chat: And what's your favorite Final Fantasy?

Hayley: NINE!!!!! NINE-DESU!

Chat: Anything else you want to say?

Hayley: No! Go away!

NEXT TIME…

Reno and Rude's Slightly Gay Male Adventures!


	7. Reno and Rude's Slightly Gay Male Advent...

Chapter 6

Reno and Rude's Slightly Gay Male Adventures!

Just kidding. They're not gay at all! But why should you care? Are you some kind of homophobic that is mean to gay people for no reason?! Haven't you ever heard of human rights? ARGH! JUST FOR THAT I AM GOING TO INSERT A RANDOM GAY PERSON SOMEWHERE IN THIS STORY TO MAKE YOU SAD AND YOU WILL CRY!

…ahem…

ANYHOO, last time you saw Reno and Rude… you didn't! Because it's impossible to see them as this is just a knavish fanfic. So last time you READ Reno and Rude they were riding around in their Turk Buggy (which is a lot cooler than YOUR buggy.) Isn't that crazy?

" Hey… where's Elena and Rufus?" Rude asked Reno. Rude was laying on the couch, watching television and Reno was having a coffee at their own personal Turk Starbucks. ( I told you it was a lot cooler than your buggy.)

" Why? Do you want to MARRY them or something?" Reno prattled childishly.

" No… I just think that we left them behind when they both stepped outside to use the restroom. That was about three days ago." Rude said.

Both Reno and Rude gave each other a panicked look, realizing they had left Elena and Rufus right in the middle of the swamps of the Midgar Zolom, perhaps the stupidest place to leave a person taking a bathroom break EVER.

" Oops." Said Reno and Rude. But that was okay because neither of them really liked Elena or Rufus. Well, Rufus was okay because he fit into their name scheme, but Elena just screwed it all up.

" Hey, Rude, I've been thinkin'… Without Shinra, what can the Turks do now? My whole life I've been nothing but a Turk. Now I have no other talents, and cannot fit into any other niche of society." Reno took a long sip of his Frappakupo.

" You've never done ANYTHING besides be a Turk? What about when you were a baby?"

" Oh. I guess then I was just a plain old baby." Reno admitted.

" Didn't you ever have any dreams? Because dreams don't fade, my friend." Rude began, as that music began playing in the background. " They might hide from you for awhile, but sometimes, when you're all alone in your buggy sipping a cup of coffee with your best friend talking to you about them, they come back to remind you. Of what you left behind."

" I always wanted to be a slightly crappy but catchy pop star." Reno mumured aloud.

" I always wanted to be a flight attendent. Or a tour guide. But no one ever would hire me. Everytime I went to a job interview, they would ask me my name. And I would say, " Hi, I'm Rude." And they would say, we don't like Rude people." Rude shook his head sadly. " What the hell were my parents thinking?!"

" Oh yeah!" Reno countered, but then realized he could not argue since his name was Reno and there was nothing particularly offensive about the name 'Reno.' So then he just remained silent.

" Did you ever meet my older brother? His name was Nasty." Rude told Reno in a bout of sudden depression.

" You have got to be kidding." Reno said.

" And my little sister. Her name was Bitch." Rude continued.

" I think I liked it better when you never talked." Reno admitted, but they were suddenly interrupted by a large crash that sounded like a person being squashed into a pancake. Both of them knew hit and run is a SERIOUS offense, and so they stepped slowly out of the Turk Buggy. And both of them saw…THE CORPSE OF BARRET! ARGH!!

Just kidding. Barret already died at the hands of Cid. But you already knew that. Instead, they had hit a pancake. No, I'm not kidding this time. They had flattened an innocent pancake.

" I'm such a big jerk." Reno said sadly, before taking a bite out of the pancake. They hauled the carcass inside and ate it. Then they continued on their merry way. Where were they going, you may ask? Well, I'll TELL YOU WHERE THEY WERE GOING! They were going to HOLLY-WOOD!

But, unfortunately, in the world of FF7 there was no Hollywood. So they were going to the next best place… The Gold Saucer! That's right! Not only was it the RPG equivalent to Las Vegas and Disneyworld COMBINED, it was also the answer to Hollywood! My Lord, is there anything that crazy Gold Saucer CAN'T be?

Unfortunately, the Turks couldn't really get to Junon in just a buggy, even if it was a TURK Buggy. They figured that they would have to hitch a ride on the St. Anne to get over to Costa Del Sol. Why would they do that? Well, have you ever looked at the game MAP idiot? That way they'd almost be there, since it's the OTHER Continent. Sheesh.

Anyway, after they helped Red XIII out, they waited paitently for RedXIII, Barret, Cloud, Tifa, Yuffie, Vincent, Cid, Reeve AND Sephiroth's chapters to be done, then they finally were able to enter Junon and find the St. Anne. They even got a St. Anne pass and EVERYTHING! They even pawned off their Turk Buggy to some shady character who happened to be the same guy who bought the land speeder in Star Wars! Now that guy has the Turk Buggy AND Luke's Uncle's Land Speeder. ARGH! What will he do with those crazy vehicles?!

Well, this story ain't about him, so scew 'em!

So, Reno and Rude made their way to the St.Anne, and Reno was holding their passport high in the air, because he wanted to mock everyone who DIDN'T have one. Rude was whistling his favorite song, the Mokona no Ondo De Pupupupu.

" Hello. Welcome to the St. Anne." Said the dude that took the tickets that would explode later… maybe… Then, he noticed Reno and Rude weren't Pokemon Trainers! They weren't even POKEMON PEOPLE!

" Argh! You may not board the St. Anne! You'll threaten the kiddiness of it!" The responsible ticket-guy said.

" Why the hell not?" Reno asked agitatedly, and the responsible ticket-guy began convulsing, because his Poke-ears couldn't take the obscenities. Maybe if it had been POCKET MONSTERS, he would have been fine. But it was Pokemon.

" Only Pokemon people may board." The ticket-guy said, massaging his temple. At that moment, Kenji walked up, handed the dude a ticket, then smiled really cheesily at the ticket-guy before waltzing on in. THE NERVE!

" We are too pokemon people!" Reno exclaimed.

" What are pokemon?" Rude asked.

Luckily, Reno had been part of the Poke-craze of 1998, like yours truly. He ripped off his jacket and displayed his T-shirt, which said, I SURRVIVED THE POKE-CRAZE OF 1998. Then, believe it or not, he started rapping like a fool.

" Zubat, Geodude, Meowth, Onix, Weezing, Seel, Magneton, SNORLAX! Jigglypuff, Goldeen, Spearow, Mewtwo, Pidegeot, Gyrados, SLOWBROOO! At least 150 or MORE to see, to be a Pokay-mon master is my, DESINIEEEEEEE!" Reno crooned in an annoying yet catchy voice, then proceeded to scream, " Gotta catch 'em all!" over and over again.

" Wow, Monday through Friday. You're free to go on." The ticket-dude said, majorly impressed. Reno and Rude stepped on, and the ticket-dude exploded as they sailed off into the sunset.

" I just lost a lot of respect for you." Rude admitted.

" I just lost a lot of respect for me too." Reno replied.

The St. Anne was full of Pokemon, unfortunately, but Reno and Rude did their best to keep all their hatred and bad manners in. They didn't want to kill everyone on the boat with their Turkness. Or maybe they did, but I wanted to torture them a bit. Nyhahaha.

At one point, Ash, and not the Satoshi we all know and love, came walking up and joking with Brock who we all know and kinda like, but not Takeshi who we all know and love. They were making horrible dubbed jokes.

" Good 'quill hunting! GET IT? GET IT?" Ash laughed hysterically, as if there was nothing funnier than horrible, horrible movie puns in the titles of a children's animated show, especially one that parodies a rated R movie that no child that still watches Pokemon should see.

" I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Rude screamed, and whipped out a gun and shot a nearby Teddiursa since I…JUST…HATE…TEDDI…URSAS…SO… MUCH!!!

Everyone froze, and Ash and Brock stared at the bleeding, twitching Teddiursa blankly. They had probably never seen blood before, much less something dying. 

" Pokemon… EMERGENCY!" Ash yelled, with a stupid little pause in the middle of his sentence. And they rushed Teddiursa off to a paramedic, but luckily, it was already dead. MWHAHAHA! …ha…

" Hey buddy. Want a good time? Five bucks a throw, fifteen a night." Pikachu whispered, with Misty winking at the Turks next to it.

" Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Reno?" Rude asked with a big grin.

" Yup." Said Reno, and they jumped off the St. Anne together. Then they swam to Costa Del Sol all by themselves. How can they do that? Well… they're the TURKS!

Once having reached Costa Del Sol, they realized the Gold Saucer was so very far away, so Reno decided he would get a little job singing and performing at people's weddings. He was a Wedding Singer! But people always mistook him for that little guy that's in the Mafia. Or Shuuichi. Okay, so he doesn't SEEM like Shuuichi, but he COULD be.

Well, Reno might have been content with becoming a Wedding Singer, but not Rude! He wanted to be a bayliff. You know why? Because Rude is bald and sexy and wonderful, just like Bruce on my favorite show Judging Amy! So he went to the Costa Del Sol police academy.

" So you wanna be a bayliff?" said some big fat police guy we'll call… Fonzie. He probably won't explode. PROBABLY. He was sort of traveling around in his little rolly chair around in circles. He didn't look very concerned at the fact that there was underage drinking and drugs and murder and a dog being tied to a lampost and tortured outside. 

" Yes." Rude said because he did!

" Then… beat this game…" Fonzie declared dramatically, and revealed that old Police Academy arcade game that you would find at the movies all the time. Rude blinked.

" You for real?" He asked.

" I'm for REAL!" Fonzie exclaimed, then rolled about in circles once more.

" But I don't have any quarters…" Rude whined.

" Did anyone say they needed a Buddy Barn's Human Quarter Exchange Man?" Asked that Buddy Barn guy. And what luck! Someone did! And after they were done, it was Rude's turn.

Rude spent a lot of quarters on that crazy Police Academy game, but eventually he pulled through. He got a shiny badge and a nickle. Good for him! This just proves that you can never give up on your dreams, and get a job you don't really like but pays well, all the while harboring secret wishes that will never be fufilled! YAY!

OMAKE! Hayley-san, nande kore wa?

I got some questions from my good friend Naki! But were they good? NOPE! That's okay, though. My ANSWERS WILL BE SUPERB-DESU!

Naki: Is Reeve a dork?

Hayley: Why yes, yes he is! The only redeeming thing about him is his goatee! I mean, come on! He pilots a cat riding on a giant pink moogle! DOOOOOORK!

Naki: Are you?

Hayley: …pass!

Naki: What did you have for dinner? 

Hayley: Well, seeing as it's 3 o clock in the afternoon, I don't KNOW yet! Chuh! (as for last night it was… NUTHIN')

Naki: XD

Hayley: What the hell is that? An attempt to be random? You know nothing of the art of randomness. XD

Well, what'll happen NEXT time? Lesse… well, it was gonna be Elena and Rufus, but they got eaten by the Midgar Zolom. So next time, it'll be the start of the trial of the millenium! First testimonies…

Cid and Vincent! YAY!


	8. Cid, Vincent, and Crazy Lawyers!

Chapter 7

Cid, Vincent, and Crazy Lawyers!

Woo-hoo! It's time for the TRIAL OF THE CENTURY! That's right! Cid Highwind is being tried for the murder of Barret Wallace! What about all the other Cid's, you ask? Well, friend, they just exploded. But you can see them again if you want to play the games. I'M not stopping you!

So, completely dropping most of the events of the previous six chapters, all of the people I needed for my crazy court were flown in… by PLANE! No, just kidding, it was by airmail. Anyway, here's how it works…

Presiding Judge of Costa Del Sol Court (MY court, that's right, I own Costa Del Sol! First I bought that house, then that bar, then the whole gosh-darn place! HAHAHAHA!)

Ahem… the judge is… ME! Because this is MY fanfic.

I looked up from reading my Gravitation manga and sighed. (I'm in a Gravitation obsession right now.) " No," I said, " Let someone ELSE be the judge."

HEY! How dare I defy me? Ah well, then, the judge will be MARIUS! My big, blonde vampire friend. Ain't he sexy? Anyway, so Marius showed up with a giant hammer and RED robes because he also has to wear red. Just like that guy in the White Stripes! Anyway, that was the judge.

Yes… I do know he wouldn't ever be in the Final Fantasy world. So just shut up.

The GUILTY person is… Cid!

And his lawyer is… that guy from to Kill a Mockingbird! Just kidding, it was that angry little man from those loud commercials that always come on. JIM ADLER! WOOOO-HOO!

" NO MERCY!!!!!" Jim Adler screeched, gripping the side of his little box and breathing fire all over the courtroom. Cid looked around nervously. Jim Adler was the only lawyer he had been able to afford.

The Defense's Witnesses were picked randomly from the list of previous people in the chapters, and they are…

Cait Sith!

Rufus!

Elena!

Cloud!

Barret!

" WHAT?! Why do I have all those stupid people?!" Cid cried. " Why can't I call on my loving wife SHERA to defend me?"

But unfortunately, HE COULDN'T! Because Shera wasn't in any of the previous chapters, although she was there to watch from the auidence, sniffing and wiping her eyes with a hankerchief. Poor Cid. Everyone in his witness list was dead, except for Caith Sith and Cloud. And Reeve hated him and Cloud is…AHAHAHAHA!

Anyway, moving on… the PROSECUTION! The good guys! (Most of the time.)

The Lawyer was… White Haru, occasionally Black from Fruits Basket. If you've never seen Fruits Basket, you don't know what you're missing and probably won't get the inside jokes. But then again, this whole story IS one big inside joke!

And the Witness list was…

Vincent!

Tifa!

Red!

Sephiroth!

Shoopuf-Dude!

" But none of us were even THERE at the scene of the crime!" Tifa protested, even though the prosecution team was a pretty good one. For one thing, they were all alive.

" Don't worry. I got this case covered." Haru said monotonusly, and you could tell he really had no earthly idea what he was doing.

And now, for the Jury! There were eight members.

Ryu from Breath of Fire!

Spike Spiegel from Cowboy Bebop!

Crono from Chrono Trigger!

A random Scyther that must have escaped from the St. Anne!

Serge from Chrono Cross!

Barret's BEST Suicidal friend, Dyne who you THOUGHT died! But that slippery dude tricked us twice!

That crazy Harvest Moon guy!

That I'M JUST KIIIIDDING guy from Saturday Night Live!

" What the hell? Where did I… who took my ciggarettes?" Spike mumbled, and begin searching around but eventually gave up and just sort of sat there, daydreaming. You know, Haru and Spike would make interesting friends…

" Woah! Marius, you look like you came back from the dead!" That SNL guy exclaimed. " I'M JUST KIIDDING!"

" That's because I'm dead." Marius answered.

" SCYYYYYY-FER!" The scyther screeched, probably wondering why it was in a court room and not in it's native habitat.

" Barret is telling me that you all want to come see him…" Dyne whispered creepily, eyes twitching all over the place.

Serge, Crono, Ryu, and that Crazy Harvest Moon guy said… NOTHING! Duh!

And just to let you know, the presiding bayliff was… RUDE! In fact, he was so rude, that they sent him off to Miss Manners and got some guy named Rude to be the bayliff instead.

" Alright, order in the court! ORDER IN THE COURT!" Marius shouted, banging his big hammer on the booth like a fool.

" There IS order in the court. No one's doing anything." Spike pointed out, chewing on a pocky stick since he couldn't find any ciggarettes.

" Oh." Said Marius. " Then can I start?" He looked over to Hayley who was reading Gravitation and listening to the opening theme 'Super Drive' over and over obsessively. She made a dismissive gesture and so he started.

" Defense, your first witness!" Marius demanded.

" Don't we have to make opening statements?" Haru asked, showing a shred of common sense.

" Oh yeah… then do that." Marius mumbled.

" I'M JIM ADLER! HAVE YOU BEEN IN A CAR WRECK OR CAR CRASH?! HAVE YOU SUSTAINED INJURIES AND NOT GOTTEN PAID FOR IT?! IF SO, CALL ME AND I'LL HELP YOU SUE SUE SUE THE HELL OUT OF THOSE SUCKERS! RAAWR!" Jim Adler screamed in what was probably the most nonsenical opening statement ever.

Then it was Haru's turn.

Everyone waited for Haru to give an opening statement, but he just sort of stood in front of them for a long, long time. Finally, he cleared his throat and said, " Hi."

" Hi." Everyone said back.

" I've never been a lawyer before." Haru told them truthfully, then went to go sit down.

" Wow. What a big waste of time." Marius said. " Okay, Defense, first witness!"

Unfortunately, Cait Sith was out of batteries, Cloud was nowhere to be found, and everyone else was dead. So Cid bravely took the stand. 

" What's your name?" Marius asked Cid.

" Cid." Said Cid.

" I'm calling you Cideao. Alright, defense, you may approach the witness." Marius said.

" He had to take an oath!" Spike called from the jury.

" Oh, then do that." Marius sighed, and Rude came up.

" Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you…" ARGH! Rude had forgotten what religion the oath was under. So he just said Buddha, and got away with it because no one cared enough.

" Darn tootin'!" Cid said, and Jim Adler approached him.

" CID! HOW MUCH DID YOU PAY FOR YOUR CAR?!" Jim Adler bellowed at Cid.

" I don't HAVE a car." Cid told him.

Jim Adler just stopped and stared at Cid as if he were the Loch Ness Monster. He just froze and didn't move. After a few minutes, Marius just let Haru approach Cid.

" Your name is… Cid, right?" Haru said slowly.

" Yes." Cid answered.

" And you are charged with the murder of Barret Wallace, right?"

" Yes." Cid answered.

" So you are Cid, who murdered Barret Wallace?"

" YES!" screamed the whole court.

" But it was an accident!" Cid reassured Haru who just kind of nodded.

" But were you looking where you were going?" Haru asked.

" I was in an airship. You can't see the top of it. It's not my fault that he was flying around on some big shiny bird!" Cid exclaimed. 

" You should have looked harder." Haru said matter-of-factly.

" HOW THE HELL IS THAT POSSIBLE?!" Cid screamed.

" Watch your language, Cidaeo." Marius reprimanded.

" So, you admit that you hit Barret?" Haru said after a long time, as if that had been what he was trying to figure out the whole time.

" We already all know that I did!" Cid said, exasperated.

" Oh. Well, I didn't." said Haru. " Did you know Barret?"

" Yes. He was a good friend of mine." Cid said sadly.

" HOW good?" Haru asked suspicously. " Like BEST friend, or CASUAL friend?"

" IN BETWEEN!" Cid exclaimed angrily.

" But you never went to any of his birthday parties?" Haru asked in a question that was totally unrelated to… well, ANYTHING!

" No." Cid answered truthfully.

" All done, your honor." Haru said with the same bored look on his face.

" Huh? Oh. Okay. Next witness." Marius said, since he had dozed off.

" We call Vincent Valentine to the stand." Haru said, reading the name off a list. He looked at all of his witnesses. " Which one of you is Vincent?" He asked. Vincent stood up. " Oh." Said Haru.

" HEY, Vincent! You have really pointy feet!" That SNL guy said to Vincent who was just innocently walking up to the stand. " What are you… Edward POINTY-FEET?!"

Vincent just blinked, confused.

" I'm just KIIIDDING!" That guy shouted. Then he went silent. Vincent returned to walking to the witness stand. He sat down, and looked like he really didn't want to be there.

" Why, hello. What's your name?" Marius asked Vincent, being extra-friendly because Vincent looked like a vampire.

" Vincent." Said Vincent.

" Well, I think I'll call you Vinceadeo." Marius said, and I guess he was trying to score some fledgling blood, but Vincent took no notice.

" Already, defense, approach the witness." Said Marius.

" It's prosecution's witness, so THEY get to go first." Spike called.

" LISTEN, Spiegel, do YOU want to run this court?!" Marius yelled at Spike.

" Nah. That's for boring guys like you." Spike answered cheekily, and everyone sniggered because Spike had won them all over in mere seconds because he is Spike.

Poor Marius. He coughed to maintain his dignity, and called Haru up.

" Vincent, what do you know about Cid?" Haru asked.

" Well… he's a pilot, uses a spear when he fights, runs funny… and has a wife named Shera." Vincent said, listing the bare facts about Cid.

" Oh. Well did you know THIS about Cid?" Haru said dramatically, and pulled a string down to reveal a picture of Cid smoking a cigar.

" Well?" Haru prodded, staring at Vincent triumphantly.

" …yes…" Vincent said uneasily. I can tell you what he was thinking. _Wheeeee'reeee's HOJO?!_

" Vincent-san, did you know that smoking is bad for you?" Haru asked.

" Yes." Said Vincent.

" So you would say people that smoke are pretty foolish?" Haru continued.

" Kind of." Vincent said.

" No more questions, your honor." Haru said with a smug smile, and sat down. Vincent gave him a what the heck look and he responded by shooting him a thumbs up sign.

" Your turn, Adler," Marius said, giving himself a manicure.

" DIE, VAMPIRE!" Jim Adler screeched, and tried to stab Vincent through the heart with a stake. Vincent barely surrvived, even though the stake was blunt as a really blunt object. The reason he barely surrvived was because the wild Scyther had just realized that Marius was wearing RED, and had tried to hack him, Vincent, and Jim Adler to pieces. Luckily, they managed to all escape and tie the Scyther down to it's chair.

Everyone decided Vincent's turn was over. He went to go sit down. 

" Jim, you can't try and stab the witnesses." Marius snapped.

" Sorry! I ALWAYS forget!" Jim Adler exclaimed.

" Alright, well… it's the end of the chapter, so everyone gets a cookie." Marius said, and everyone did.

Hayley-san, nande kore wa?

More questions from than knave Naki! (…KIND-OF ALLITERATION!) let's see what she asked…

Naki: Why doesn't Cloud dive into the water and just drown after the 'funeral'?

Hayley: Well, ME NO KNOW! Perhaps Aeris REALLY didn't mean all that much to him! Maybe he thought she would float back up! Maybe he TRIED and they held him down like the fool he was. Or maybe that wasn't really CLOUD and it was ZACK! ARGH!

Naki: Did Fonzie ever explode?

Hayley: If you're talking about the one in the story, no. If you're talking about that knave in the leather jacket, then YES!

Naki: Don't you ever get tired?

Hayley: Yes. Yes I do.

NEXT TIME…

Tifa, Reeve, and Ineffective Questioning!


	9. Tifa, Reeve, and Ineffective Questioning...

Chapter 8

Tifa, Reeve, and Ineffective Questioning!

Well, the trial continues! After a brief cookie break, everyone get ready to continue with the trial. Just to remind you, Cid and Vincent just got down from the stand! And the score so far is…

Cid                                      Everyone Who Hates Cid

0 5

" There IS no scoring in court." Spike, ever-the-smartass. Hayley forgave him though, since he was right and had a green afro, even if that was sometimes a black afro.

" What? We're still doing this? I thought we had given up as this wasn't professional or going anywhere." Marius protested, on the cell phone with Armand.

Well, guess what Marius, you will do it, and you will LIKE IT!

" Gomen ne, Amadeo-chan…Whaddya mean there's always Lestat?!" Marius foamed, and beeped the cell phone off. He then looked around the courtroom as if EVERYONE in it had just called him a nasty name. 

" Next witness." Marius muttered. " Whoever's turn it is, go ahead."

Well, you know what? It was Jim Adler's turn, but Haru went ahead and called HIS next witness! Oh that crazy, crazy Haru! THE NERVE! I guess he thinks that being sane gave him the right! 

" Whose Tifa Lockhart? And what is up with these god-awful cliché names?" Haru asked, looking down his list. Tifa stood up and smiled and waved at everybody like the stupid, stupid person she was. " Hi! I'm Tifa! Nice to meet you all!"

" Tifa, you know like, ALL of us!" Said some random FF7 person.

" Tifa… is that short for Tiffany?" Spike asked, leaning over the jury box and smiling all sexily. Well, if I were a Spike, I would be doing the same thing.

" NO!" Tifa screamed, " And I HATE it when people ask me that! Hey, where's Cloud? Isn't he supposed to be here? Has anyone seen Cloud?" She asked all of her witness teamates.

" Cloud's nowhere to be found. And besides, Cloud is on MY side." Cid told her.

" WHAT? But Cloud has to be on MY team!" Tifa shouted, acting like it was the end of the world just because Cloud wasn't right there sending Cid to prison with her.

" Would you _please_ just come sit down here, Tifadeo?" Marius sighed.

" My name's Tifa! And it's not short for ANYTHING!" Tifa yelled at him.

" Ooohkay…just come and sit down…" Marius said, holding his hands up defensively.

As Tifa was on her way to the stand, the SNL guy pointed at her and said, " HEY, Tifa! Are those water balloons glued to your chest, or WHAT?!"

As Rude held Tifa down to keep her from killing him, the SNL guy shouted, " I'm just KIIIIDDING!"

" No, really, I'm curious." Spike said, intrest piqued.

" ORDER IN THE COURT!" Shouted Marius, since he didn't care about things like that… in WOMEN!

" Oath-person!" Marius shouted, pointing at the finally sitting-down Tifa.

" I'm a bailiff." Rude pointed out.

" WHATEVER!" Marius said, disgusted.

" Tifa, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Buddha and will you have dinner with me later?" Rude asked Tifa.

" Yes! Wait, what was that last part?" Tifa asked, confused, as Rude ran around in circles screaming, " SCORE!!"

" Alright, as it's prosecution's witness, you may approach first." Marius said.

" But I'm a DEFENSE witness." Tifa told Marius stupidly.

" But it's prosecution's turn!" Marius reasoned.

" Well, you said whoever's turn it was a minute ago, and even though I knew it wasn't my turn, I went anyway." Haru said. " So now it's my turn and your system is all screwed up."

Marius looked like he was about to smite Haru, but then took a DEEEEP breath, closed his eyes, counted to ten, and then opened them, with a very creepy smile on his face. " Then… please… approach… the… witness… Harudeo…" He whispered spookily.

Luckily, Haru was oblivious enough to not be afraid of the big bad Marius. " Tifa… have you ever known Cid to be unresponsible while driving?"

" Well… sometimes he just DOESN'T." Tifa said carefully, giving Cid a guilty look.

" When you're flying an airship, you don't always NEED to look where you're going! It takes you a long time to get there!" Cid yelled at Tifa.

" Has Cid ever drinken and drived?" Haru continued.

" He had… a Kupo-cola, once, while driving." Tifa admitted.

Haru made a tch-tch-tch sound, and stared at the Jury like, 'THIS is the kind of monster whose fate you're deciding.'

" Is it true that once, while at the Gold Saucer, Cid once asked Cloud, can I ride the snowboard, or can I ride the chocobo?" Haru asked.

" Yes…"

" Don't you think that Cid has an obsession with driving things?" Haru said, stroking his chin all sagely.

" Well, maybe, he-"

" Objection!" Haru exclaimed, looking up at Marius.

" To what?" Marius asked.

" He spoke out of turn about driving an airship." Haru said with a vindictive finger pointed at Cid. 

" That was almost THREE minutes ago!" Cid yelled.

" Well, I just now noticed it." Haru admitted.

" Just shut up and continue!" Marius snapped, not really paying attention.

" So, as you were saying, ' When Cid was doing the weed while driving, I thought something was wrong…'" Haru said with a 'continue' gesture at Tifa.

" WHAT?! SHE WASN'T SAYING THAT!" Cid yelled.

" Oops. That's all the time I have for you, Tifa-san." Haru said, and sat down. Ooh, that tricky Haru!

" Drugs are bad for you." Marius told Cid with a reprimanding glare. " Adler, your turn."

Jim approached Tifa, then yelled, " I'm JIM ADLER, THE TOUGH, SMART LAWYER!" Then he just sat down, finished. At this point, Cid could only break down and cry. Tifa went to go sit down, as her pointless testimony was over.

There was a brief interlude of CHAOS in which Dyne tried to murder everyone in the building, but they gave him a sedative and he was fine. As fine as a sedated person can be! And then there was the whole trouble with Cid refusing to go on since all of his witnesses were dead or missing or running low on batteries, but they eventually talked him into going on too. And last but not least, don't forget that Vincent kept searching around the room, convinced that Hojo was hiding there somewhere. What a stupid, stupid court.

" Hee-hee…" Marius laughed stupidly, just discovering how amusing the abacus on his big judge desk could be. Then he noticed everyone was watching him, even that crazy wild Scyther, and coughed. " Alright…uh… are there still more witnesses?"

" There's GAZILLIONS!" Said some random person in the auidence we'll call Jamie, but right after he said it he exploded, so we'll call the person sitting next to him Jamie.

" Alright, then do that," Marius said, having fun with his abacus.

" But… I don't have any more witnesses!" Cid cried, and started looking around as if he expected witnesses to come raining from the heavens.

" SURE you do!" Shouted Jim Adler, taking out the list. " Where's Cait Sith?"

" He's out of batteries!" Cid wailed.

" Elena?"

" Dead!

" Rufus?"

" Dead!"

" Cloud?"

" Missing!"

" Barret?"

" Not only is he DEAD, I'm the one who killed him!" Cid screamed. Oh, the irony!

Well, all seemed lost for poor old Cid, but then… guess what? That BUDDY BARN guy came in, toting a HUGE sack of batteries!

" Did anyone need a BUDDY BARN CHEAP RIP-OFF OF ENERGIZER?!" He shouted triumphantly. Cid gave a whoop of joy and bought some batteries from him on the spot.

" Thank you, Buddy Barn guy! Wait, I just remembered that Cait Sith hates me…" Cid said, as his hopes went crumbling like dust. Like dust…

" ANYTIME!" That Buddy Barn guy said with a big grin, and whipped out his magical ocarina, then teleported off to wherever it is Buddy Barn guys go.

Well, Cid figured ANY witness was better than NO witness, so he stuck those batteries into Cait Sith's big pink butt! Cait Sith immediately began to work, because now he had the BUNNY inside! He immediately glared vindicively at Cid.

" You let me fall out of an airship! And then LAUGHED!" Cait Sith screamed, pointing an accusing finger straight at him.

" GASP!" said all of the Jury, except for the ones who couldn't talk, Scyther who said, " SCYTHER!", Spike who didn't care, Dyne who was sedated, and the SNL guy who… thought it was funny and laughed.

…

" GASP!" said Jamie the 2nd and then exploded. Don't worry, the girl next to him became Jamie the 3rd.

" Man, _you're _screwed." Marius observed, not looking up from his abacus.

Cait Sith approached the witness stand, and probably would have been made fun of by that SNL guy, but he was still laughing hysterically over the fact that Cait Sith had fallen out of an airship. Which was kind of just as bad.

" Cait Sith, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you Buddha?" Rude asked.

" Off course!" Cait Sith exclaimed, since I would have made Yuffie do it, but for some reason… she is not here. I guess I could have made her one of Cid's witnesses, but OH WELL!

" I could have had Yuffie AND Reno!" Cid whined.

Shut up! Anyway, as it was Cid's witness, yep, that's right- Jim Adler approached the witness.

" Fifty-thousand dollars. That's a lot of money." Jim Adler confided to Cait Sith confidently.

" Yes, it is." Cait Sith agreed. Jim Adler gave Cait Sith a look of approval, then sat down. I guess that's all he had to say!

Now it was Haru's turn. He sat there and seemed to be giving Cait Sith an intimidating look, but it turned out he was just sitting there and thinking about something that made him mad for three minutes. When he finally got up, everyone gave a big sigh of relief, as he slowly approached the witness box.

" Now, as I can see, you hate Cid." Haru said.

" Yes, yes I do," Cait Sith agreed, both the little cat and the big moogle nodding.

" Because he let you fall out of an airship."

" Not only that… he always ignores me!" Cait Sith exclaimed angrily, shaking his little kitty fists.

" How does he ignore you, Cait Sith?" Haru said in a 'I know it's hard to talk about' voice, as if they were talking about how Cait Sith's mom had died of cancer.

" He NEVER puts me in the party, or gives me any materia, or let's me equip items or watch the TV shows _I _like!" 

" But NOBODY does that with you. You're just a stupid, neglected cat!" Cid argued, since it was STUPID of Cait Sith to accuse him of things that were really all Hayley's fault.

…what? Why is everyone looking at me now? IT'S NOT LIKE I _TRY _TO NEGLECT HIM! IT JUST HAPPENS! HE ONLY HAS TWO FRIGGIN' LIMIT BREAKS!

Okay, deep breath, continue with story…

" So is that when you contemplated… suicide…?" Haru whispered, as if that's what they had been leading up to the whole time.

" Suicide!" Dyne hooted, raising his fists up into the air.

" Not really." Cait Sith admitted.

" But if you DID commit suicide, it would be mainly Cid's fault?" Haru asked.

" Sure. Why not?" Cait Sith shrugged.

" WAIT A MINUTE-"

" And," Haru continued, drowning out Cid, " That means he would have inadvertantly killed you. Making this KILLING buisness a HOBBY for Cid Highwind!"

" But then WHY would he pretend his hobby was flying things?" Tifa pondered stupidly aloud.

" Mystery-desu." Haru murmured with a befuddled look on his face.

" Can I go now?" Cait Sith asked.

" Yes." Said Marius. He had named the abascus and everything by now. It's name was Bobadeo. " Thank you Cait Sithadeo."

" How many more witnesses before we get to go home?" Spike asked, desprately wishing he was back on the Bebop where the people weren't COMPLETELY insane. Except for Ed.

" BAZILLIONS!" Screamed Jamie the 3rd and then burst into flames, but then again, you were expecting that, weren't you?
    
    OMAKE! Hayley-san, nande kore wa?
    
    As usual, more questions from Naki. Maybe I should just make her official question asker person. MWHAHAHA!
    
    Naki: At the end of the chapter, what KIND of cookies did everyone get?
    
    Hayley: Actually… they didn't get ANY cookies at all! It turned out every single person but Tifa was allergic to cookies! And we couldn't just let only HER have cookies, now could we?!
    
    Where was Lestat while Marius was on duty?
    
    Hayley: Writing his new book that will hopefully not suck! In North Dakota! DO NOT QUESTION NORTH DAKOTA!
    
    Is Vincent okay? (ya know, with the stabbing)
    
    Yes, he's fine. He's VINCENT, so he can't DIE!
    
    What flavor is the pocky stick that Spike was chewing?
    
    Strawberry! 
    
    Wait... who won?
    
    What do you mean? IT'S AIN'T OVER YET!

NEXT TIME…

Cloud, Disco Dancing, and Will but not Grace!


	10. Cloud, Will, And Disco Dancing!

Chapter uh…9!

Cloud, Disco-Dancing, and Will but not Grace!

" YOU'RE FIRED!" Cid bellowed at Jim Adler.

" You can't fire me, I QUIT!" Jim Adler shouted back, and got his little hobo bag and began to walk slowly and sadly away, with a big spotlight on him and sad piano music playing in the background.

ARGH! CID! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO AND FIRE JIM LIKE THAT?! Now I have to find a new lawyer… I KNOW! All of a sudden, an airmail box fell from the sky and hit Jamie the 4th in the head, instantly killing them. But don't worry, the box became Jamie the 5th. And out of the box came… WILL! FROM WILL AND GRACE! I told you I'd have some random gay person in this story! OHOHO! You thought I had forgotten, didn't ya? Well, now I have a lawyer AND a gay person to make all the homophobics be very sad and cry!

" What the hell?! Where am I? WHO Am I?" Will asked incredously. Okay, he didn't say who am I.

" Go to sleep!" I commanded, and Will's eyes went all hazy and he became posessed by the spirit of Tentacruel who would command him and make him be a good lawyer because I say so. Cid was happy because he had a lawyer, I was happy because I had a cat, and MARIUS was happy because he still had his abascus! 

" Alright, go defense." Marius said.

" But it's OUR turn." Haru said very paitently.

" Well, not anymore!" Marius said evilly, since he remembered how Haru had tricked him in the last chapter. Haru gave Marius a surprised look.

" That's _mean_." Haru said in an amazed voice, as if could not comprehend anyone _ever_ being mean to him.

" Bii-daa." Marius said, making that strange japanese taunt face.

" But I have no more witnesses! No more LIVING ones anyway." Cid whined.

" Give us back our ocean home!" Will posessed by Tentacruel thundered, but then snapped out of it. " Oh dear," He said, " Well, then how am I supposed to defend you?"

" Hi," said Zack, who had conviently walked in with Cloud, who was babbling like a fool. " Is this a bad time?"

" Why would it be a bad time?" Everyone asked.

Of course, Zack had only said that to be _COOL _and he had nothing to say now! So he just sort of nudged Cloud all the way over to Cid's side of court. Nevermind how Zack is supposed to be dead and missing and all.

" I've been on a buisness trip in Chicago, sorry I was late." Zack told everybody, even though he wasn't even in the witness list, much less this STORY! And since when does Chicago exist? MAN, ZACK, YOU'RE RUINING MY STORY!

" No, _I _was on a buisness trip in Chicago." Cloud argued stupidly.

" No, Cloud, you don't. You live here, and you… do whatever it is you do." Zack sighed.

" No, that was YOU. I'M the one who went on a buisness trip to Chicago." Cloud replied.

" Cloud, that is NOT TRUE!"

" Quit trying to steal my identity, Zack!" Cloud snapped. _AWK!_

" Ah, well, now that Cloudadeo is here, we can start another testimony. So Cloudadeo, come to the stand." Marius sighed.

" But I'M the judge. Why are you there? You must be thinking of someone else." Cloud lied, giving Marius a suspicous look. My God, once he's started, he can't stop.

" CLOUD! HOORAY!" Tifa yelled, and lunged for him, but she was so happy that she EXPLODED! No, just kidding, she just… hit her head and went to sleep! Leave me alone!

" No, Cloudadeo, I am, unfortunately, the judge here. Now please just come sit and let the strange men ask you questions." Marius told Cloud, having grown, FINALLY, bored of his abascus. He now wanted to try and be a good judge! Okay, he didn't, but he will.

So, Cloud walked up to the stand with this 'okay, FINE, if you won't shut up' look, and was about to sit down when he was stopped by that SNL guy.

" Hey, Cloud. You so crazy… that your hair SUCKS!" That guy said.

" No, I think that that was _your_ hair." Cloud said thoughtfully.

" SCREW YOU BIG POOP!" SNL guy screamed and sat down sadly, and didn't say I'm just kidding. Because he probably wasn't.

" Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth- Nevermind, you're Cloud." Rude sighed, and went to go sit down.

" Alright, strange gay man posessed by Tentacruel, you may approach the witness." Marius told Will. And Will did so, eyes still glowing, and voice still strange and deep.

" No, I think _I _was the one whose supposed to approach the witness." Cloud argued politely.

" Cloudadeo, if you _ever_ question me again I will crush your spiky little head in." Marius replied just as politely.

" Okay, Mr.Cloud. Tell me exactly what happened at the scene of the crime." The Tentacruel-posessed Will said. You might THINK he was just asking a smart question, but REALLY he didn't even know what the case was about! ARGH!

Cloud froze for a few seconds, and you could tell he was forming an elaborate scheme of  a mixture of lies and truth, but unfortunately only YOU could tell, and no one else in the courtroom could.

" Cid was piloting the airship, but I was asking him to let me have a turn. That's when I saw Barret, and told him to stop. Then… then he crashed into Barret and killed him. WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS CID!? MY BODY'S SHAKING, MY ARMS ARE TREMBLING, MY EYES ARE… BURNING!" Cloud cried, raising two stupidly shaking arms into the air.

" Objection! You just made all of that up!" Cid shouted. Technically, he wasn't the lawyer, but Marius had already forgotten about that.

" No, YOU made it up!" Cloud retorted.

" You can't talk during my objection!"

" But this is MY objection." Cloud stated.

" ARGH! HYRDO PUMP!" Will posessed by Tentacruel screeched, and grabbed a glass of water, took a swig, then spat it out at Cloud. Since he was at least ten feet away, it's safe to say that he missed.

" What are you…MENTAL?" Cloud asked Will.

" That's it! Next lawyer!" Marius bellowed. 

Haru, who had fallen asleep, was woken up, and he approached Cloud, looking slightly grumpy. UH-OH. " Where were you October 18th?" He asked sleepily.

" WHERE WERE YOU?" Cloud replied, widening his eyes in an offended way. " Because I'M the one who went INSIDE the house to get the candy. I'm not the one who stayed OUTSIDE and watched Tifa."

" That has nothing to do with what I asked you." Haru concluded after he had thought about it for awhile, eye twitching.

" No, I was asking you."

" But I'm the lawyer."

" I'M the lawyer."

" You're making me very angry, Mr. Strife. And I don't think you'd like me when I'm angry." Haru warned.

" I don't think YOU'D like ME when I'M angry," Cloud replied, standing up and placing his hands on his hips like a fool.

Haru looked down at the ground for a few seconds, so you couldn't see his face, but when he looked up…  HIS PUPILS WERE SMALLER!

" BURN IN HELL, STRIFE!" Black Haru screamed, and leapt onto the witness stand and began pummeling Cloud into oblivion. Cloud tried to say, ' No, YOU burn in hell-' but was too busy having his jaw broken.

" Harudeo, quit that." Marius commanded, but of course he was ignored.

" DIE! SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL AND DIE! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU LIKE THE _PLAGUE!" _Haru screeched, throwing Cloud's now lifeless body onto the floor and began stomping up and down on it. Everyone watched with a very disturbed expression. They were speechless. Well, Ryo, Crono, Serge, and Harvest Moon Guy were ALREADY speechless! AH HA HA HA!…ahem.

So…

Cloud was dead. All the munchkins came out and sang their song before hauling him away to devour his carcass. Marius continued the trial, and they all pretended that there had been no disturbance. Haru stared at the color green for a long time until his tension level dropped back to normal.

" Alright, next witness is… Sephirothade- Oh, screw it, that's too hard to say. Let's have a giant talent show instead." Marius snapped.

And that is what they will do.

*Bonus!*

" Won't you take me to… FUNK-AY town?! Won't you take me to… FUNK-AY town?!" Reno cooed, as Spike, Scyther, Marius, and Haru all danced like fools.

Now I want you to think about this and imagine it in your head for awhile. 

…

…

…

My God, frightening, isn't it?

Hayley-San, Nande Kore wa?

Naki: What was Amaedo-chan wearing?

Hayley: WHAT, AM I HIS MOTHER OR SOMETHING?! He was wearing… A BIG CHICKEN COSTUME! HA! (shudders)

Naki: Where will Rude take Tifa out?

Hayley: Uh… Chuckee Cheeses. And she will NOT like it.

Naki: Would you buy me a kupo cola?

Hayley: Well, I WOULD if it EXISTED!

Naki: How did Haru get so good?

Hayley: By not trying to be.
    
          Naki: So really, Cait Sith should be testifying against YOU... right?
    
    Hayley: Sure… IF HE WOULD LIKE TO DIE!!! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
    
    …hah…


	11. The Giant, FUN Talent Show!

Chapter 10

The Giant, FUN Talent Show!

What? So Sephiroth, RedXIII, and Shoopuf Dude didn't get to give a testimony. You know what it would have been like. Sephiroth would have been stupid, Red XII would have been boring, and Shoopuf Dude would have been IMPOSHIBBLE! Quit whining, whiner. JEEZ.

Anyway, everyone had moved into a big auditorium like the kind at your middle school. In the middle rows of seats facing the stage, were the jury who would be judging the Talent Competition. Team Cid was on the right. Team Haru was on the left. 

That's right! Whichever team that can impress the jury the most, WINS the case! Would this ever happen in real life? OF COURSE NOT! Everyone knows that there's no such thing as VAMPIRES! But anyway, Cid's life is now hanging in the balance of a talent show! If he loses… he could go to prison! And he's not even an innocent BISHOUNEN who we would enjoy being tortured in prison!

Marius was sitting in the back trying to apologize to his Amadeo-chan, who was still pissed because Marius was off at some fictional court-talent show thing. Rude was off getting ready for his date with Tifa after the verdict. Tifa was grieving over Cloud because he was DEAD. Everyone else was preparing to show their talents off in the talent show!

" Can I go home now?" Spike asked.

" SCYYY-THER!"

NO! You may not. Everyone else is enjoying the talent show. Why can't you be like everyone else, Spike? WHY CAN'T YOU BE LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE?!

Everybody else in the jury was either dead, silent, or screaming their name senselessly. So Spike decided to be like the silent people. At least he wasn't like the poor court audience that had exploded.

So… let's begin the talent show! First, from Cid's team… we have… Sephiroth! That's right, I let Cid have Sephiroth and Shoopuf Dude on his side since everyone else was dead. So, what did Sephiroth do? What CAN Sephiroth do?! We know he can't play volleyball, sing, or surf.

Sephiroth approached the stage nervously with a big black radio. Wow! I suppose he's going to dance! He placed it onto the ground, and switched it on quietly. And then… BEGAN TO RIVERDANCE! AWK!

I CANNOT BELIEVE IT! I WAS NEVER EXPECTING HIM TO RIVERDANCE! Look at him go! Spinning and whirling and all those other crazy Riverdance things! What a show! Surprisingly, Sephiroth danced foolishly all the way through the song without anyone getting up to go and kill him for being such a dork. Well, the Scyther tried, but it was tied down.

" MY EYES! MY EEEEEYES!" Shrieked Spike, as he covered them. All of the other men were doing this too, except for Marius. And Vincent. You want to know what Vincent was doing? He was slowly going through every single wooden auditorium chair and bending the seat up and then down. Why was he doing this? Yup, that's right. He was looking for Hojo.

Well, after he had finished his Riverdance, Sephiroth bounded off the stage like a big idiot. He raised his hands for a high-five from his team, but they all just gave him weird looks. HAHAHA! Stuuuuuupid Sephiroth!

" If there's one thing I CAN'T stand it's riverdancing. And Cowboy Andy." Spike muttered. Everyone in the jury nodded in agreement. Ooh, bad choice, Sephy. Tough luck Cid!

Well… now it was Haru's turn. You know what? Tifa was still grieving, Vincent was still looking for Hojo, so all poor Haru could do was take RedXIII up to the stage.

" Sit." He told RedXIII.

" Where?" Asked RedXIII.

" Speak." Said Haru.

" To who?" RedXIII asked.

" Play dead." Haru commanded.

" WHY?" RedXIII wanted to know.

" WHAT A STUPID DOG!" That SNL guy shouted. " I'm NOT KIDDING!"

" Do it, RedXIII." Haru said, turning to face RedXIII with an angry look.

" Fine…" RedXIII sighed. He turned to face the audience, and then threw back his head and howled like a foolish dog. " ROOOOOOOBY, ROOOBY DOOOOOO!"

Everyone fell over laughing, even Haru, and RedXIII wandered off stage with his head hung low. HAHAHAHA! To be made to howl like Scooby Doo is the stupidest thing EVER! Besides the riverdance.

Well… now it was Cid's turn again. But guess what? As Shoopuf-Dude only appears once in the entire story, he was GONE! NOOOOOOO! Who can save Cid now? 

Well, he still has Cait Sith.

Cait Sith walked onto stage and faced the expectant audience. He then lifted his little kitty self up and began to do some CRAZY ventroquilism. 

" Hey Dummy!" He said to the cat.

" Look whose talking." He replied, making the cat's mouth move. He then waited expectantly for some laughter. None came.

" I just flew in from The Gold Saucer and MAN AM I TIRED!" Cait Sith tried again, making the little cat puppet's arms flap foolishly.

" JUST SHUT UP!" That SNL guy shouted.

" Hey-hey! Aw screw it." Cait Sith muttered, and waddled off stage. Well, everyone hates ventroquilsm. I hate it like the plague! Man, things aren't looking good for Cid's team.

Now it was Vincent's turn to do something. They tore him away from crawling through the aisles on his hands and feet looking for Hojo. This made him so mad, he turned into Jason because his limit break broke! Everyone in the jury thought this was just some amazing magic trick, so they applauded as he threatened to cut everyone into little pieces with his chainsaw. Oh, that stupid, naïve Vincent! He almost killed that Buddy Barn Guy who was selling popcorn, but he teleported away at the nick of time.

Say, does anyone else like Digimon Music? The Japanese ones? WELL, I DO! If you're reading this right now, and you REALLY love me, go download the Ending Theme to Adventure, Keep On by Ai Maeda. It's suteki!

Anyway…

There were only two people left now… Cid and Haru. BATTLE OF THE TITANS! 

Cid slowly walked up to the stage, and that same music that plays when Simba is walking up to take his rightful place at Pride Rock began to play. Go, Cid, go! REMEMBER, WHO YOU ARE! YOU ARE CID HIGHWIND, MASTER AND COMMANDER!

Cid took a deep breath, and grabbed a microphone from nowhere as a spotlight from the heavens suddenly dropped on him, and he began to sing in a haunting, beautiful woman's voice. Yes, this was very terrifying, but also strangely entertaining!

" DO YOU EVER KNOW WHY THE WOLF CRIES TO THE FULL GROWN MOON, OR ASK THE GRINNING BOBCAT WHY HE GRIIIIIINS? CAN YOU SING WITH ALL THE VOICES OF THE MOUNTAINS… CAN YOU PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND? YOU CAN'T OWN THIS EARTH UNTIL, YOU WON'T OWN THIS EARTH UNTIL, YOU CAN PAINT…WITH ALL… THE COLORS… OF THE WIIIIIIIIIND!" 

WOW! He sounded JUST LIKE POCAHAUNTUS! If our judges were here now, I wonder what they would say? Well, unfortunately, the jury just looks terrified. 

" That was different." Marius remarked, listening to Keep On by Ai Maeda that he had recently downloaded. (GET IT! GET IT! GET ALL DIGIMON SONGS AND GIVE THEM TO ME!)

Now… it was Haru's turn. He and Tifa stepped on to the stage without any props, and stood there. He then cleared his throat, and flung himself onto Tifa.

POOF!

" Oh my God! He turned into a COW!" Said Sephiroth, boggled out of his mind. HOW COULD THAT CRAZY BOY TURN INTO A COW?!!!

" And I can talk," said the Haru-cow.

WOW! He can talk TOO!

" No question about it. The talking cow wins." Marius ruled, and everyone nodded in agreement. Poor Cid! But guess what? It turned out… HE WASN'T GOING TO BE SENT TO JAIL! Because I can't stand unhappy endings.

And now, for what happened to everyone!

Haru eventually turned back into a human and went back home, BY PLANE!

Yuffie… exploded!

Those airship guys… exploded!

Reno was a famous pop star!

Sephiroth learned to play volleyball!

Rude had dinner with Tifa… and enjoyed it!

RedXIII… exploded!

Marius went home, and we all decided to ignore that it was illegal to have him in this story!

Cloud was dead.

Aeris was dead.

Elena was dead.

Rufus was dead.

Hojo's BEEN dead.

Shera was dead. (Why not?)

That teddiursa was dead.

That pancake was dead.

The unimportant people exploded.

Buddy Barn Guy went off to wherever it was Buddy Barn Guy's go.

Poor Fruit Bat turned Cid flapped off to find someone who could help him.

And Shoopuf Dude-

" WHADDYA MEAN HE'S BEEN DEAD?!" Vincent shouted.

THE END.


End file.
